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Not everyone will understand your journey. That’s fine. It’s not their journey to make sense of. It’s yours.

Zero Dean

Author | Photographer | CG Artist | Filmmaker

Zerosophy

We can do better

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Liars. Cheaters. Drug addicts. Racists. Homophobes. Wife beaters. The selfish. The narcissistic. The willfully ignorant…

Just because someone is on TV or sells a lot of records doesn’t make them a good role model. And it certainly doesn’t make them “cool”.

Just because someone has a lot of money in their bank account — and is considered “successful” by that standard — doesn’t mean their life is a blue print worth following.

Yes, controversy attracts a crowd, but just because someone has a strong moral compass or leads a life involving little to no controversy doesn’t mean they aren’t worthy of attention.

The folks worthy of emulating and drawing attention to are not those who do whatever outrageous things they can to get attention in order to put more money in their bank accounts.

They are those who live modestly and with integrity doing the right thing and whatever needs to be done regardless of who’s watching.

They could be your neighbor, a coworker, the founder of a non-profit. Anyone.

Stop simply accepting the commercially driven role models that are mass marketed to you. You’re playing their game. And they’re winning. Every time we give them attention, we give them free advertising and power. Power that is often abused.

Hold your idols to a higher standard than simply being famous for being famous. Find people worth admiring, whether they are famous or not.

We owe it to ourselves to have truly positive role models, not assclowns on TV and on the covers of the magazines in the magazine rack.

We can do better.

Related:

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From the comments:

Eric: Now what the hell could you possibly have against sleeveless undergarments?!

Zero: “Girlfriend beaters” just doesn’t have the same ring to it…

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It’s OK not to be happy.

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Seen in a meme:

“Nothing is worth it if you aren’t happy.”

While being happy is something to celebrate, there are some who promote happiness as if any other option isn’t acceptable. As if, if you aren’t happy, there’s something wrong with you. And that simply isn’t true.

The ability to feel a full range of emotions and different states of being is an important part of the human experience.

It’s ok not to be happy. And in many cases, a large part of personal growth is dependent on recognizing when one is not happy and then actively working through it.

“Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation.” — Oscar Wilde

While it is said that, “Inner Peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.” — and it is a skill and state of being everyone is capable of — it is much easier to talk about inner peace than it is to achieve it.

It takes a tremendous amount of mental discipline to achieve a state of mind in which we are unaffected by the negative events around us. And, like having a fit body is a choice and it’s something everyone is capable of, it’s not something most people have. Mental discipline takes practice.

Unless one is a Zen master, creating the expectation that being happy at all times is a simple matter of choice, is to set one’s self up for what will likely be a difficult task. Because the moment something almost inevitably disturbs your state of being — and you suddenly find that you’re not happy — you’ll feel as if there’s something wrong with you.

But it’s ok to feel sadness. It’s ok to feel pain. It’s ok to feel frustration and anger. Again, these feelings are a part of the human experience.

[*While feeling anger, frustration, unhappiness is ok, it’s important to deal with such states in a healthy and productive fashion. And that is beyond the scope of this post. Adopting behaviors that put you or others in harm’s way is not healthy — and if you are inclined to do such things, it is important to seek help.]

Telling someone who has just suffered a tremendous loss to “just be happy”, “happiness is a choice”, and “it’s always darkest before dawn” generally isn’t helpful (at all).

And while it’s ok to want to help people — and it shows you care, it’s also ok to let people work through their issues and to just let them know you are there to support them if they need you.

In his book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, William Bridges writes, “All transitions are composed of (1) an ending, (2) a neutral zone, and (3) a new beginning.” and “The neutral zone provides access to an angle of vision on life that one can get nowhere else. And it is a succession of such views over a lifetime that produces wisdom.”

Feeling things other than happiness are an important part of growth. They lead to changes where we often transition from one level of awareness to another.

So it’s OK not to be happy. Not being in a constant state of happiness is not unhealthy. But it’s important to remember to channel that energy effectively and to not simply dwell on it. Acknowledge it and move on, transitioning to your new beginning.

And as you transition from one level of awareness to another, if you make a conscious effort to practice mental discipline and choose where to focus your mental energy, you may just find the inner peace so many wish they had, but never put in the effort to achieve.

“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.” — Carl Jung

“Refuse to emotionally succumb to the negative events around you and tap your mental toughness to thrive in any environment. The good guy doesn’t always win and justice doesn’t always prevail, but where you direct your mental energy will always determine your attitude and it will always be controlled by you.” — Steve Siebold

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From the comments:

Eric: Very good piece. Whole books could be written about what the word ‘happiness’ even means. Probably there already are such books.

But in short, for me, I try to draw a distinction nowadays between being happy and being ‘at peace’ or ‘contented’. I am much more at peace nowadays, but I’m not always ‘happy’. I value peace much more than happiness (although peace is for me often the conduit to happiness).

Zero: Yeah, I agree with you. I think that’s a great distinction. I used to think I knew what happiness was — I had a mental picture of it. But it’s changed. It looks more like contentment and “inner peace”…

Just because you don’t have a smile on your face, doesn’t mean you’re not happy. But just because someone is smiling, doesn’t mean they’re happy.

There’s a sort of congruency and balance that needs to be in place… and that creates a sort of “emotional calm” or satisfaction (I’m not sure what to call it).

Kitt: (twitter) Similar words in The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking, by Burkeman

Look for the good

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Your mission, if you choose to accept it today, is to look for helpful people.

Look for the courteous, the patient, the generous.

Look for those who make others smile.
Look for the encouragers.
Look for those who show kindness.
Look for those who help set a good example for others to follow.

Don’t focus on a lack of any of these things. Of course negativity exists. Nor is it a challenge to find. That’s not the point.

Just focus on finding the above positive things — as you might if you were on a scavenger hunt.

Look for the good.

If you discover something you don’t like, either take action to fix it (if you can) or simply acknowledge it and move on. Let it go.

Today’s mission is about finding the good stuff that often goes unnoticed.

Look for it.
Find it.
Remember it.
Be happy it exists.

And make more of it if you so choose.

Theme(s):

Related:

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If you like it, encourage it.

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Always remember that your actions help influence whether there is more or less of something in the world.

The reason why bad news, people acting badly, and superficial pop culture is so popular is because people give their attention to it. This, in turn, creates more of exactly the sorts of things people say they don’t want.

This is why it is so important to encourage those who are doing the sorts of things you would like to see more of.

If you like it, encourage it. If you admire it, say so. If you appreciate it, express it.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, a family member, a stranger on the street, or someone you cross paths with online, everyone can always use a little encouragement and positive feedback. Your recognition of the things you appreciate helps to prolong those things and ensure their future existence. Ten seconds of your time is all it takes (although thirty or more is more meaningful).

In a world of takers, be someone who gives back.

Related:

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Originally published on: Oct 20, 2014

A cycle of cynical

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“The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend.”

Another false meme.

This one is a quote from Chuck Palahniuk’s book, Invisible Monsters.

I’m not sure of the context within the book. I don’t know if it’s a character saying it or the author, but it’s being shared on the Web in meme form as if it’s an insightful piece of self-contained wisdom.

At best, it’s a very cynical view of the world.

cyn·i·cal
1. believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.
2. concerned only with one’s own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them.

It should go without saying that there are numerous valid reasons why someone might ask you how your weekend was, not least of which being they are genuinely interested.

Not everyone has a personal agenda. Not everyone is superficial, self-centered, or selfish. Not everyone provides a courtesy or kindness with the expectation of reward.

Some people are actually interested in what others have to say or offer. And it has nothing to do with having a hidden agenda. It has to do with being a supportive friend, a good listener, or even just a curious person.

It’s not about manipulation or acting under false pretense.

Sometimes communication is one-sided, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you talk. Sometimes you listen. That’s just how it works.

But true friendship and connection involves sharing an experience — without an agenda.

And there are far more people in the world happy to do that than this cynical quote would lead you to believe.

Related:

Confusing anger with passion

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Probably the worst, patently false meme I’ve seen in a while:

“Listen to people when they are angry, because that is when the real truth comes out.”

People are much more likely to say intentionally hurtful things when they’re angry — and many times, these things are not at all a reflection of the truth.

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” — Ambrose Bierce

Anger is often referred to as a “secondary emotion” because it’s most often the result of feeling something else: hurt, rejected, scared, grief, or vulnerable.

When people are in this state is not a time others should rely on them to communicate clearly, or rationally. Nor is it a time when one should take special care to listen for the “real truth”.

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” — Aristotle

Anyone who has ever been a teenager can probably remember saying something intentional hurtful to their friends or parents (such as, “I hate you!”) — because they were angry and wanted to inflict damage, not because they were expressing the truth.

The time to listen for the truth is not when people are angry. The time to listen for the truth is when they’re emotionally stable, clearly aware of what they’re saying, and capable of expressing it effectively.

“One of the greatest lessons we can learn in life is how to keep mute when the boiling ring of anger is dropped within us.” — Ikechukwu Izuakor

This meme is confusing anger with the positive aspects of passion.

You want to know what someone’s personal truth is?

Listen to people when they’re excited. Listen to the ideas they love to talk about. Listen when they speak with enthusiasm. Listen to what they speak about with passion.

Because the fire that lights people’s passions is a far more reliable source of truth than whatever it is they say when they are angry.

“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems — not people; to focus your energies on answers — not excuses.” — William Arthur Ward

Afterword: I should point out I’m separating passion (positive) from anger (negative), but according to the dictionary definition of “passion”, it can involve any intense emotion (including anger). But passion doesn’t necessarily involve anger — and anger doesn’t necessarily involve passion.

Passion, as I refer to it, is enthusiasm.

From the comments:

Mike: I think this flows out of a saying:

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off”. (This is attributed most often to Gloria Steinem, but other people are occasionally credited with it, too.)

And there is something there. Sometimes people are angry when they discover they’ve been deceived and use that anger to set the record straight.

The problem is in assuming that anger is a reliable indicator of truth, when it clearly isn’t.

Zero: Also:

“Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation.” — Oscar Wilde

Like discontent, anger can sometimes have value as a trigger for change, but anger, as it is most often expressed, is negative. As a positive tool, anger is unreliable, at best.

Related:

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“Real men”

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I see it frequently on social media…

“Real men wear…”
“Real men drink [brand]…”
“Real men know how to…”
“Real men drive [brand]…”
“Real men like…”

No.

Real men. Real women. Real people like whatever they want to like and do whatever they want to do. Their preferences are not dictated by fads, popularity, or the social norm. They don’t like things in order to appear more appealing to others.

Real people act with authenticity. And authentic people listen to their inner voice and make their own decisions based on their personal preferences and experience.

So to say “Real men like…” is practically meaningless.

A “real” person is going to maintain their integrity regardless of the influence of outside forces — regardless of your desire that they like whatever it is you think they should like in order to be a “real” person.

To suggest otherwise is to suggest that you judge people based on whether they like or don’t like exactly the same things you do. And if they don’t, they’re not a “real” person.

To be real is to be authentic. To be real is to have a strong sense of self. To be real is to have a positive moral character. And above all, to be real is to have integrity.

Because…

A real person is going to like beer or mixed drinks or not drink at all.
A real person is going to eat meat or not.
A real person is going to like cats or dogs or none of the above.
A real person is going to be religious or not.
A real person is going to like watching sports or root for the same team as you or not.
A real person is going to drive an American made car or a foreign car or none at all.

The thing about “real” people is that you can’t tell them what to be — or who or what to like — and expect them to cater to you simply because you want them to. Real people are going to be real and make their own decisions and do what they want whether you approve of it or not.

Real people don’t exist to confine themselves to other people’s expectations. They’re not content with being labeled. They have no desire to fit within a box. They don’t cave in to peer pressure. And they don’t act with the intention of pleasing everyone.

And this is far more rare than it should be — and should be of far more value and far more desirable than a person who simply likes the exact same things you like, shares your exact point of view, or is easily influenced by the social majority or the flavor of the week.

Consider this the next time someone suggests “Real people…” do or like anything.

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The fact is, you can help someone today

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The fact is, you can help someone today if you simply look for the opportunity to do so and act upon it when it comes.

Always believe you can make a positive difference in the world of those you encounter.

Because you can and you do.

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If you rock. Thank you.

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If you go out of your way to be friendly and nice to people, for no reason other than it just feels good or like the right thing to do, THANK YOU.

Even if and when it means people don’t always see or appreciate it, THANK YOU.

Even if your desire to help others or make them more comfortable sometimes gets you into trouble, THANK YOU.

Even if what you did was “no trouble” or “the easiest thing to do” or “any decent human being would have done it” , THANK YOU.

Even if you do these things without the need for acknowledgment, THANK YOU.

Because if you’ve done these things, you’ve touched many lives, including my own – directly or indirectly – and you deserve to be thanked whether you think you do or not.

So THANK YOU.

And please carry on doing what you do, like I know you will, whether I tell you to or not.

You rock. THANK YOU.

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People change. Memories do, too.

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Seen in a meme:

“People change. Memories don’t.”

Actually, this is false. Memories are very susceptible to change (whether you want them to or not).

This is partly because any time you remember something, you are remembering the last time you remembered it and not the actual event — and our playback isn’t perfect.

As such memories get distorted based on how you feel and what you choose to focus on when you recall a past event.

This can happen in a more “localized” way when one feels depressed. When we are feeling down about ourselves, we are often quick to dismiss our positive memories or achievements.

“Disqualifying the positive is one of the most destructive forms of cognitive distortion.” — David D. Burns M.D.

When we choose to focus on a particular memory in a particular way often enough, we effectively change that memory.

This is one of the reasons why two people who witness or experience an event together may eventually remember it entirely differently. It isn’t that either is lying, it’s that their memories of an event are susceptible to change.

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