Self-worth & esteem Archives - Page 8 of 10

Wait. Don’t settle.

November 23, 2014 by Zero Dean

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” — Maureen Dowd

Many people live with the hope of meeting someone special to share their lives with, but then settle for far less than what they truly seek. They fall for the false first impression. They fall for the physical and superficial instead of the authentic core of a person. They grow comfortable with the convenience of being with someone — even when that someone isn’t ideally suited to who they are or they ultimately want to be. Or worse, they let the fear of being single override their desire to leave what they know to be an unhealthy relationship.

It’s important at the beginning of any relationship not to confuse short-term attraction & desire with long-term chemistry & compatibility. It’s important to not want something to succeed so badly that you sacrifice who you are in the process of trying to make it happen.

For relationships to truly last, it’s important that people be able to connect on multiple levels and demonstrate that their core values are compatible enough to allow them to stay together long after the honeymoon phase is over.

Anyone can chase you, put their best foot forward, and adopt an attractive demeanor. Anyone can act agreeable, put in a little effort from time to time, and make you their flavor of the week. But if you’re looking for a serious, sincere, and meaningful relationship, always remember that it isn’t just anyone that you seek.

Wait for the person who accepts you for you are without seeking to change you into someone they want you to be.

Wait for the person who can appreciate your quirks without simply seeing them as something they have to tolerate.

Wait for the person who sees in you the potential for true friendship and not just a warm body or a matter of convenience.

Wait for the person who values you and your relationship enough to actually communicate their feelings.

Wait for the person who will let you grow as an individual without insisting that you never change.

Wait for the person who trusts you enough to not try to control or manipulate you.

Wait for the person who doesn’t simply see you as an option, but as a priority in their life.

Wait for the person who isn’t just nice when they want something — or who shows you appreciation only when it’s convenient.

Wait for someone with integrity, whose words are reinforced by their actions.

Wait for the person who wants to be the best person they can be for themselves, for others, and for you. Not just for a night, a day, a week, or a year, but always.

Wait. Don’t settle.

“Shouldn’t we hold out for the person who doesn’t just tolerate our little quirks, but actually kinda likes them?” — Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother

You’re not perfect nor expected to be.

November 18, 2014 by Zero Dean

“I’m such a klutz.”
“I’m bad at remembering names.”
“I have a tendency to say stupid things.”
“I have a crooked nose.”
“I don’t have perfect teeth.”
“I’ll never live this down.”

Whatever you may consider your faults, flaws, and imperfections to be, they are nowhere near as clear to other people as they are to you. And the mistakes you make are nowhere near as magnified.

Yes, you may screw up. And you may embarrass yourself in front of others (everyone has done this). And it may seem like the worst thing in the world. But mistake-makers often have a tendency to hold onto negative thoughts from an embarrassing experience far longer than those who witness or hear about it do.

Always keep in mind that other people don’t see you in the exact the same way that you see yourself.

In fact, it isn’t uncommon for people to have a very low estimation of themselves, their looks, and their accomplishments while also being someone that others look up to and admire.

People in your life — especially the friendly ones — are more likely to remember your successes than your failures. Especially because in the same way people don’t see your flaws the same way you do, they don’t see your failures the same way either.

In fact, you may be the only who thinks of something you did as a failure or some aspect of yourself as a flaw.

And those who do want to highlight your mistakes, failures, and flaws in an unsupportive way are very likely not those you want in your life anyway.

Always remember, everyone makes mistakes. And everyone has flaws. Even your heroes.

It’s part of the human experience. No one is perfect. And some of the most beautiful and most successful people in the world are insecure about something.

We are all a work in progress.

The key is to move forward in your life with intention and not perpetuate bad feelings by reliving a bad experience over and over again in your head. Thus making it difficult for you or others to forget.

“When you truly know who you are — and who you are in the process of becoming — you will no longer live in fear of what people say or think about you.”

Related:

The courage to be imperfect

“I shouldn’t…”

November 16, 2014 by Zero Dean

“I shouldn’t…”

I shouldn’t talk to that person because I don’t want to bother them.
I shouldn’t ask anyone for help because it makes me seem needy.
I shouldn’t feel proud of my accomplishments because I haven’t done anything original or noteworthy.
I shouldn’t draw attention to myself because I don’t deserve it.
I shouldn’t contribute to a conversation because I might say something wrong.
I shouldn’t express my affection for someone because it probably won’t be reciprocated.
I shouldn’t show vulnerability because it will make me appear weak.
I shouldn’t offer advice because I don’t have a degree in the subject.
I shouldn’t express my opinions because someone may disagree.
I shouldn’t act a certain way because it isn’t considered adult behavior.
I shouldn’t stick my neck out because I might get my head chopped off.
I shouldn’t use profanity because it might offend someone.
I shouldn’t try to help people because my own life isn’t exactly where I want it to be.
I shouldn’t even try because it probably won’t work or turn out the way I want it to.
I shouldn’t publish a post or piece of art until it’s perfect — and it never is.

And that’s just me.

If I listened to everything I told myself I shouldn’t do, I wouldn’t ever do anything worth doing.

Sometimes you just have to tell the voice in your head to SHUSH! And then remind yourself that if it turns out that whatever you want to do is a mistake, you’ll learn from it.

[ DISCLAIMER: I am not recommending law breaking, bad, abusive, or negative behavior. Please use common sense. ]

Everyone feels anxiety at times. Everyone gets nervous. Everyone occasionally wonders if what they want to do will be a mistake.

And that’s ok, but you don’t ever let that stop you from living your life on your terms. Who are you living your life for anyway? You — or everyone else on the planet?

Live. Try stuff. Make mistakes. Learn. Improve. Repeat.

Because being afraid of doing something you truly want to do isn’t a good enough reason not to do it.

“Live life fully while you’re here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You’re going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don’t try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human.” — Anthony Robbins

Related:

Fear of self-expression is a form of self-imposed slavery

November 6, 2014 by Zero Dean

If you do the best you can to be a decent human being, show tolerance and kindness to others — and still live in fear of what people think of you, your possessions, your opinions, or your beliefs, and then alter your behavior to be “approved” by as many people as possible, that isn’t freedom, it’s a form of self-imposed slavery.

You become a slave to the idea that what other people might think is more important that exercising your ability to express your true self.

Have you ever avoided something as simple as clicking a “like” button or commenting on a post on social media because you were afraid of what people would think if they saw it? If so, then you’re doing it.

If your relationships are so fragile that something like a single like, share, or comment could end them (or cause an unfollow or other equivalent), then perhaps those are not the kind of relationships that are really adding any kind of value to your life.

And perhaps it’s time to ask yourself what the point of “collecting people” in your life is, if the sorts of people you’ve collected will judge you “unworthy” of their friendship and leave you the moment you truly express yourself.

This is an issue that goes far beyond how people act on social media, it’s a real-life problem as well.

Changing who you are to be liked by people may result in more people “liking” you, but it also means that those who “like” you are liking someone who is pretending to be someone or something they’re not.

And, ultimately, you’re sacrificing yourself (and your life) to do it. You’re sacrificing your freedom to express your true self in order to gain “friends” who don’t even like you for you.

In the end, this really makes no sense. Life is not a popularity contest. It’s not about collecting as many “friends” as possible. And no matter what you do, not everyone is going to like or agree with you anyway. That’s life.

Do you respect people who water themselves down, live in fear of being disliked, or pretend to be someone they’re not in order to gain favor? If not, then how can you expect to respect yourself if you do the same things?

“When you are brave enough to be yourself, you give others permission to do the same.”

Be your genuine self and you will find that those who stick around in your life are those who appreciate and respect you for who you truly are. They may not agree with everything you say, do, or believe, but they are far more likely to forgive you for your mistakes or lapses in judgement and stick by you not only during the high times in your life, but also the lows.

And you can live knowing that you’re not being judged by those who matter to you — and if you are, you still don’t live in fear of it, because it’s not your problem. When people judge you, it says more about them than it says about you.

And, in the off chance you suck as a human being and few people like you, then that’s perhaps a sign you have some things to work on to be a better person in an authentic way — and not someone who simply pretends to be one.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

…

As far I’m concerned, if you’re tolerant and open-minded, I like having you in my life, regardless of your beliefs or some opinions you have that I don’t agree with (and vice-versa). Because ultimately, we help each other grow.

I’ve said it before, you don’t have to agree on everything to get along. And some of the best relationships are formed by people who don’t.

Related:

Ignored vs unnoticed

September 4, 2014 by Zero Dean

There is a huge difference between being ignored and simply going unheard or unnoticed.

This applies to real life communication, but is especially applicable to social media.

Unless you have an audience of considerable numbers that is eagerly waiting to read whatever it is you have to say, it is not a question of if one of your social offerings will go unnoticed, but when.

And when it does happen, it’s important to realize that the lack of response is not at all an accurate reflection of what your audience thinks. Because if they didn’t see it, they can’t have an opinion about it.

There may also be times that your social offering simply isn’t best suited for the people who actually see it. This matters less when you have a huge audience, because the chances are good that at least some sampling of the people who follow you will see and like what you have to offer.

But if you are dealing with a smaller following, not having your post or comment connect with the first wave of people who “see” it can greatly reduce any chance it has of “getting out of the gate”

The reason for this is because of how social media posts are typically distributed. Popular (more interactive) posts get more popular. The more something is liked, shared, or commented on, the more it gets distributed — which results in more people seeing it, liking it, or commenting on it.

But there will be times when your post or comment, as great as it is, never gets out of the gate because it didn’t connect with the few people who first saw it.

And that’s normal. So if you’ve ever posted something and thought you were being ignored, it’s more likely you were going unnoticed.

And the vast majority of times this happens in real-life social situations, it is also not because people are actively ignoring you. It is again, simply because whatever you have said, done, or offered has gone unnoticed.

And if this happens to you often, this would be a good time to watch How to speak so that people want to listen.

Related:

It’s OK to be weird (and the best people usually are).

December 28, 2020September 2, 2014 by Zero Dean

In case no one told you, it’s OK to be weird (and the best people usually are).

Being weird doesn’t mean everyone will like you. But what’s the point of fitting in if you sacrifice your real self to do it? What’s the point of fitting in when it still doesn’t guarantee that everyone will like you?

And what’s the point of being liked when you are being liked for pretending to be someone or something you’re not?

Be your authentic self and you will attract people into your life who will like you for being you.

And then you can stop pretending to be “normal” and simply be comfortable with who you really are.

“Masks” by Shel Silverstein

She had blue skin.
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by –
And never knew.

[ And let me be clear, celebrating your weirdness doesn’t mean being disagreeable. It doesn’t mean completely disregarding people’s personal comfort or disrespecting individuals or customs or the environment. And it doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be totally socially inept. Quite the opposite.

Even if you don’t want to conform, it is important to conduct yourself in a way that is compatible with the society in which you find yourself.

Eccentricities can be good. And being quirky can be good. But if “being yourself” means you’re an assclown — try to be someone more agreeable. ]

From the comments:

Jackie: I’ve been told I’m weird since I was in my late 20s. I’m now 63 working on being totally myself before my birthday next month! Weird is wonderful! Weird is wild, wicked, wise, real, delightful, devilish, roguish, reliably funny, and so many other things. Why would anyone aspire to “normalcy”? How flipping boring, don’t you agree?

Zero: I do agree. I love the unique things about people that make them interesting.

Of course, not everyone’s “weirdness” is compatible with everyone else’s “weirdness”, but it’s still so much better to live life authentically than it is to pretend to be something you’re not — or be caught up in trying to be liked for things that just aren’t a part of your genuine self.

To live that way is to live a lie.

Jackie: Tried living the lie. Hated it. Decided to be me. Then learned how to be me. Scares the crap out of many folks. Makes me giggle, giddy, goofy, and best of all weird because there is no concentration on “fitting in” or being “normal.”

Related:

Empower yourself

August 12, 2014 by Zero Dean

Yes, there are a lot of problems in the world. And the media is happy to share them with you.

One of the most deceptively easy ways to start feeling bad about things is to start focusing on all these problems — and/or your own — without putting in quality time to focus on solutions and ultimately taking action.

The chances of miraculously solving all of your own or the world’s problems by focusing on how bad they make you feel are next to none.

Casually or subconsciously focusing on problems is one of the quickest ways to feel overwhelmed — and many times you won’t even realize why you suddenly feel miserable, only that you do.

If you’re not willing and/or able to commit to action and taking steps to change something for the better, then simply acknowledge your negative thoughts for the time being and move on to something more productive, more positive, more empowering.

Especially if you’re prone to depression.

It is totally ok not to start a project when you don’t have the strength, focus, or tools necessary to complete it.

Gather your tools and the right mindset, and have a strategy. Then you can tackle your problems with intention.

Einstein said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”

Along those lines, I say we can’t solve life’s toughest problems from a state of mental or emotional weakness. Rather than make things better, attempting to do so often makes things appear worse. That’s when you, instead, focus on something else.

And if you ever find yourself stuck having to take action, and you have neither the tools or the strength necessary to do it, then reach out to someone who at least has the potential to help you.

There are always people out there willing to help you in any way they can. Even when they, too, have their own problems.

One of the greatest ways to feel empowered and valuable is to find a way to help someone else.

And by doing so, you might just find someone willing and able to help you solve your own problems. Or together, problems you weren’t capable of solving alone.

Student says, “I am very discouraged. What should I do?” Master says, “Encourage others.” — Zen Proverb

Synergy is a wonderful thing.

Related:

The courage to be imperfect

August 5, 2014 by Zero Dean

“I’m not perfect, but parts of me are awesome.”

Let’s face it, we all have flaws. And, despite how some people see it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

The fact is, every single one of us is a work-in-progress.

We may be at different stages in life. We may have different strengths and weaknesses, but there isn’t a single person on the planet who hasn’t felt vulnerable or made mistakes. Nor is there a single person who couldn’t be better at something in some area of their life.

While hiding your flaws or pretending to be something or someone you’re not can fool many people — and many try to live their lives this way — true power comes from being your authentic self — flaws and all — and not being ashamed or afraid of being imperfect.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” — Mark Twain

When you truly accept who you are — weaknesses included — to the point that you are not afraid to admit your flaws or be vulnerable, people are much less able (or likely to try) to use your flaws as weapons against you.

When you don’t hide who you are behind a mask of misrepresentation, you no longer have to live in fear of being discovered as “false” or less than capable at something.

“When you truly know who you are — and who you are in the process of becoming — you will no longer live in fear of what people say or think about you.”

Additionally, knowing what your weaknesses are — and what triggers you to think and behave as you do — provides you with the ability to potentially overcome, or at least reduce their affects.

And while we often believe that we will be liked less for not being perfect, people are actually much more likely to respect and admire those who express themselves authentically rather than those who pretend to be perfect or act as if they are superior to others.

Have the courage to be authentic. Have the courage to take responsibility for who you are and how you act.

And have the courage to be imperfect.

“With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity.” — Keshavan Nair

If you haven’t watched The Power of Vulnerability TED talk by Brene Brown, it is one of the most viewed TED talks in history. She is a great speaker. Very funny and insightful. It is definitely 20 minutes well spent.

“The way of the heart is the way of courage. It is to live in insecurity; it is to live in love, and trust; it is to move in the unknown. It is leaving the past and allowing the future to be. Courage is to move on dangerous paths. Life is dangerous, and only cowards can avoid the danger – but then, they are already dead. A person who is alive, really alive, vitally alive, will always move into the unknown. There is danger there, but he will take the risk. The heart is always ready to take the risk, the heart is a gambler. The head is a businessman. The head always calculates – it is cunning. The heart is non-calculating.” — Osho, from The Joy of Living Dangerously

Related:

Resistance isn’t futile

September 29, 2020August 1, 2014 by Zero Dean

All one has to do is open a magazine, turn on the TV, or browse the Internet to see that we’re constantly bombarded with marketing that tells us we need to have, or wear, or drink, or be something in order to fit in.

The message is repeated so much and so often that some people actually believe it. And not only do they believe it, they use it as a guide to judge others.

It should be obvious that the kind of car someone drives to get from point A to point B is a ridiculous thing to judge someone for. But many are guilty of doing so.

But that’s not all.

You’ve got to wear the right clothes, go to the right school, root for the right sports team, drink the right liquids, listen to the right music, play the right games, make a certain amount of money, and watch the right TV shows.

If you don’t, then you are somehow deemed to be lacking in some way. People fear being mocked or ridiculed, so they fall in line. They buy THE right brand — or follow the crowd.

A crowd of people who now constantly compare themselves to others to make sure they “fit in” and judge those who don’t meet their expectations of what they need to have, or be, or do to be accepted.

What’s the point of fitting in if it means by doing so, you become someone who judges those who don’t do, say, have, or like all the same things you do?

Is that a healthy way to look at the world?

Life is hard enough without people advocating an “us vs them” lifestyle.

“I could never see myself being friends with someone who roots for [national sports team].”

Wow.

Do you actually believe the world would be a better place if we all bought or liked or supported the same things?

I hope not.

If a person is a good person, contributes to society when and where they can, and is a positive force in the world, absolutely none of this superficial stuff matters.

“Dude, come on. That’s a girly drink.”

You don’t want to be someone’s friend because they like something you don’t?

“OMG. Look at their hair.”

You think someone is “weird” because they have a strong enough sense of self that it allows them to express who they are in a way that isn’t the same as everyone else?

“What a bunch of geeks.”

You think something people like is weird because you can’t be bothered to find why some people find it so appealing?

You think anyone who has a different view or opinion is the enemy?

I’m just asking questions.

I’d like to believe we live in a world where people are actually far more tolerant, open-minded, and accepting than they sometimes appear to be.

Especially on social media.

Other people, especially those who don’t see the world in the same way that we do, have a tremendous amount to teach us if we can just keep our minds open long enough to learn it.

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” — Pema Chodron

It’s not about being perfect. It’s about making progress.

Remember, how we judge others is how we judge ourselves.

Related:

Don’t be deterred from the greatness within you.

July 30, 2014 by Zero Dean

Don’t be deterred from the greatness within you.

Don’t let other people or the voice in your head deter you from the greatness within you.

Related:

+ More