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Not everyone will understand your journey. That’s fine. It’s not their journey to make sense of. It’s yours.

Zero Dean

Author | Photographer | CG Artist | Filmmaker

Authenticity and being yourself

Every day is an opportunity to be the person you truly want to be.

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Every day is an opportunity to be the person you truly want to be.

But you have to be living in the present to do it.

If you want to make progress in your life, focus on actions you can take today that push you forward in a positive way.

Stop reliving & recycling negative memories that do little more than keep you from attaining happiness.

You have no power over the past, but the present is yours to rule. Own it.

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Fear of self-expression is a form of self-imposed slavery

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If you do the best you can to be a decent human being, show tolerance and kindness to others — and still live in fear of what people think of you, your possessions, your opinions, or your beliefs, and then alter your behavior to be “approved” by as many people as possible, that isn’t freedom, it’s a form of self-imposed slavery.

You become a slave to the idea that what other people might think is more important that exercising your ability to express your true self.

Have you ever avoided something as simple as clicking a “like” button or commenting on a post on social media because you were afraid of what people would think if they saw it? If so, then you’re doing it.

If your relationships are so fragile that something like a single like, share, or comment could end them (or cause an unfollow or other equivalent), then perhaps those are not the kind of relationships that are really adding any kind of value to your life.

And perhaps it’s time to ask yourself what the point of “collecting people” in your life is, if the sorts of people you’ve collected will judge you “unworthy” of their friendship and leave you the moment you truly express yourself.

This is an issue that goes far beyond how people act on social media, it’s a real-life problem as well.

Changing who you are to be liked by people may result in more people “liking” you, but it also means that those who “like” you are liking someone who is pretending to be someone or something they’re not.

And, ultimately, you’re sacrificing yourself (and your life) to do it. You’re sacrificing your freedom to express your true self in order to gain “friends” who don’t even like you for you.

In the end, this really makes no sense. Life is not a popularity contest. It’s not about collecting as many “friends” as possible. And no matter what you do, not everyone is going to like or agree with you anyway. That’s life.

Do you respect people who water themselves down, live in fear of being disliked, or pretend to be someone they’re not in order to gain favor? If not, then how can you expect to respect yourself if you do the same things?

“When you are brave enough to be yourself, you give others permission to do the same.”

Be your genuine self and you will find that those who stick around in your life are those who appreciate and respect you for who you truly are. They may not agree with everything you say, do, or believe, but they are far more likely to forgive you for your mistakes or lapses in judgement and stick by you not only during the high times in your life, but also the lows.

And you can live knowing that you’re not being judged by those who matter to you — and if you are, you still don’t live in fear of it, because it’s not your problem. When people judge you, it says more about them than it says about you.

And, in the off chance you suck as a human being and few people like you, then that’s perhaps a sign you have some things to work on to be a better person in an authentic way — and not someone who simply pretends to be one.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

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As far I’m concerned, if you’re tolerant and open-minded, I like having you in my life, regardless of your beliefs or some opinions you have that I don’t agree with (and vice-versa). Because ultimately, we help each other grow.

I’ve said it before, you don’t have to agree on everything to get along. And some of the best relationships are formed by people who don’t.

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“Real men”

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I see it frequently on social media…

“Real men wear…”
“Real men drink [brand]…”
“Real men know how to…”
“Real men drive [brand]…”
“Real men like…”

No.

Real men. Real women. Real people like whatever they want to like and do whatever they want to do. Their preferences are not dictated by fads, popularity, or the social norm. They don’t like things in order to appear more appealing to others.

Real people act with authenticity. And authentic people listen to their inner voice and make their own decisions based on their personal preferences and experience.

So to say “Real men like…” is practically meaningless.

A “real” person is going to maintain their integrity regardless of the influence of outside forces — regardless of your desire that they like whatever it is you think they should like in order to be a “real” person.

To suggest otherwise is to suggest that you judge people based on whether they like or don’t like exactly the same things you do. And if they don’t, they’re not a “real” person.

To be real is to be authentic. To be real is to have a strong sense of self. To be real is to have a positive moral character. And above all, to be real is to have integrity.

Because…

A real person is going to like beer or mixed drinks or not drink at all.
A real person is going to eat meat or not.
A real person is going to like cats or dogs or none of the above.
A real person is going to be religious or not.
A real person is going to like watching sports or root for the same team as you or not.
A real person is going to drive an American made car or a foreign car or none at all.

The thing about “real” people is that you can’t tell them what to be — or who or what to like — and expect them to cater to you simply because you want them to. Real people are going to be real and make their own decisions and do what they want whether you approve of it or not.

Real people don’t exist to confine themselves to other people’s expectations. They’re not content with being labeled. They have no desire to fit within a box. They don’t cave in to peer pressure. And they don’t act with the intention of pleasing everyone.

And this is far more rare than it should be — and should be of far more value and far more desirable than a person who simply likes the exact same things you like, shares your exact point of view, or is easily influenced by the social majority or the flavor of the week.

Consider this the next time someone suggests “Real people…” do or like anything.

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It’s OK to be weird (and the best people usually are).

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In case no one told you, it’s OK to be weird (and the best people usually are).

Being weird doesn’t mean everyone will like you. But what’s the point of fitting in if you sacrifice your real self to do it? What’s the point of fitting in when it still doesn’t guarantee that everyone will like you?

And what’s the point of being liked when you are being liked for pretending to be someone or something you’re not?

Be your authentic self and you will attract people into your life who will like you for being you.

And then you can stop pretending to be “normal” and simply be comfortable with who you really are.

“Masks” by Shel Silverstein

She had blue skin.
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by –
And never knew.

[ And let me be clear, celebrating your weirdness doesn’t mean being disagreeable. It doesn’t mean completely disregarding people’s personal comfort or disrespecting individuals or customs or the environment. And it doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be totally socially inept. Quite the opposite.

Even if you don’t want to conform, it is important to conduct yourself in a way that is compatible with the society in which you find yourself.

Eccentricities can be good. And being quirky can be good. But if “being yourself” means you’re an assclown — try to be someone more agreeable. ]

From the comments:

Jackie: I’ve been told I’m weird since I was in my late 20s. I’m now 63 working on being totally myself before my birthday next month! Weird is wonderful! Weird is wild, wicked, wise, real, delightful, devilish, roguish, reliably funny, and so many other things. Why would anyone aspire to “normalcy”? How flipping boring, don’t you agree?

Zero: I do agree. I love the unique things about people that make them interesting.

Of course, not everyone’s “weirdness” is compatible with everyone else’s “weirdness”, but it’s still so much better to live life authentically than it is to pretend to be something you’re not — or be caught up in trying to be liked for things that just aren’t a part of your genuine self.

To live that way is to live a lie.

Jackie: Tried living the lie. Hated it. Decided to be me. Then learned how to be me. Scares the crap out of many folks. Makes me giggle, giddy, goofy, and best of all weird because there is no concentration on “fitting in” or being “normal.”

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The courage to be imperfect

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“I’m not perfect, but parts of me are awesome.”

Let’s face it, we all have flaws. And, despite how some people see it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

The fact is, every single one of us is a work-in-progress.

We may be at different stages in life. We may have different strengths and weaknesses, but there isn’t a single person on the planet who hasn’t felt vulnerable or made mistakes. Nor is there a single person who couldn’t be better at something in some area of their life.

While hiding your flaws or pretending to be something or someone you’re not can fool many people — and many try to live their lives this way — true power comes from being your authentic self — flaws and all — and not being ashamed or afraid of being imperfect.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” — Mark Twain

When you truly accept who you are — weaknesses included — to the point that you are not afraid to admit your flaws or be vulnerable, people are much less able (or likely to try) to use your flaws as weapons against you.

When you don’t hide who you are behind a mask of misrepresentation, you no longer have to live in fear of being discovered as “false” or less than capable at something.

“When you truly know who you are — and who you are in the process of becoming — you will no longer live in fear of what people say or think about you.”

Additionally, knowing what your weaknesses are — and what triggers you to think and behave as you do — provides you with the ability to potentially overcome, or at least reduce their affects.

And while we often believe that we will be liked less for not being perfect, people are actually much more likely to respect and admire those who express themselves authentically rather than those who pretend to be perfect or act as if they are superior to others.

Have the courage to be authentic. Have the courage to take responsibility for who you are and how you act.

And have the courage to be imperfect.

“With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity.” — Keshavan Nair

If you haven’t watched The Power of Vulnerability TED talk by Brene Brown, it is one of the most viewed TED talks in history. She is a great speaker. Very funny and insightful. It is definitely 20 minutes well spent.

“The way of the heart is the way of courage. It is to live in insecurity; it is to live in love, and trust; it is to move in the unknown. It is leaving the past and allowing the future to be. Courage is to move on dangerous paths. Life is dangerous, and only cowards can avoid the danger – but then, they are already dead. A person who is alive, really alive, vitally alive, will always move into the unknown. There is danger there, but he will take the risk. The heart is always ready to take the risk, the heart is a gambler. The head is a businessman. The head always calculates – it is cunning. The heart is non-calculating.” — Osho, from The Joy of Living Dangerously

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Every time you change something unique about yourself…

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Excerpt from: The unique you is beautiful

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Every time you change something unique about yourself in order to be just like someone else, a piece of the best part of you dies.

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Resistance isn’t futile

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All one has to do is open a magazine, turn on the TV, or browse the Internet to see that we’re constantly bombarded with marketing that tells us we need to have, or wear, or drink, or be something in order to fit in.

The message is repeated so much and so often that some people actually believe it. And not only do they believe it, they use it as a guide to judge others.

It should be obvious that the kind of car someone drives to get from point A to point B is a ridiculous thing to judge someone for. But many are guilty of doing so.

But that’s not all.

You’ve got to wear the right clothes, go to the right school, root for the right sports team, drink the right liquids, listen to the right music, play the right games, make a certain amount of money, and watch the right TV shows.

If you don’t, then you are somehow deemed to be lacking in some way. People fear being mocked or ridiculed, so they fall in line. They buy THE right brand — or follow the crowd.

A crowd of people who now constantly compare themselves to others to make sure they “fit in” and judge those who don’t meet their expectations of what they need to have, or be, or do to be accepted.

What’s the point of fitting in if it means by doing so, you become someone who judges those who don’t do, say, have, or like all the same things you do?

Is that a healthy way to look at the world?

Life is hard enough without people advocating an “us vs them” lifestyle.

“I could never see myself being friends with someone who roots for [national sports team].”

Wow.

Do you actually believe the world would be a better place if we all bought or liked or supported the same things?

I hope not.

If a person is a good person, contributes to society when and where they can, and is a positive force in the world, absolutely none of this superficial stuff matters.

“Dude, come on. That’s a girly drink.”

You don’t want to be someone’s friend because they like something you don’t?

“OMG. Look at their hair.”

You think someone is “weird” because they have a strong enough sense of self that it allows them to express who they are in a way that isn’t the same as everyone else?

“What a bunch of geeks.”

You think something people like is weird because you can’t be bothered to find why some people find it so appealing?

You think anyone who has a different view or opinion is the enemy?

I’m just asking questions.

I’d like to believe we live in a world where people are actually far more tolerant, open-minded, and accepting than they sometimes appear to be.

Especially on social media.

Other people, especially those who don’t see the world in the same way that we do, have a tremendous amount to teach us if we can just keep our minds open long enough to learn it.

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” — Pema Chodron

It’s not about being perfect. It’s about making progress.

Remember, how we judge others is how we judge ourselves.

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The influence of you.

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The power of your influence nearly always appears smaller than it actually is.

Just because people don’t always appear to register whatever message you have to share doesn’t mean you should give up sharing it.

If it’s important to you, and your goal in drawing attention to something is for the greater good, then continue to find positive ways to spread that message, regardless of who you think is getting it.

As human beings, we have done some incredibly stupid and harmful things — to each other, the planet, and other lifeforms on it — simply because everyone else was doing it (so it must be ok).

Hivemind and group social dynamics are very powerful and can actively work against sound logic.

So even if your message it is backed by overwhelming evidence, if it is contrary to popular belief means it will most likely be rejected before it is accepted. In fact, a study by Cornell University found that that people are actually biased against creative ideas (and “creative” can basically apply to anything that isn’t considered standard).

So whatever cause you believe in, if it isn’t already popular, prepare for a struggle to be heard.

But also know that there are always those who are open to hearing your message, even if they don’t fully agree with it (and that’s ok), or live by it.

For example, you don’t have to advocate vegetarianism to still be concerned about how damaging the production of beef is to the environment.

As long as you are not being disrespectful or advocating harm to others, those who are at least peripherally aware of your cause may eventually come to realize the value — or at least some of the value — in what you have to share.

And that’s a start.

You can’t change the entire world at once, but you can influence those you come in contact with by spreading your message in a positive way and setting a good example to follow.

But whatever you do, causing intentional harm to others should never be an option.

If your values and the content of your message ring true, they will speak more powerfully than force ever will.

I’ve said it before, “Anger and hate dig holes. Love and kindness move mountains. Choose your motivation wisely.”

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The courage to be yourself

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You can’t be yourself when your personal identity is directly linked to what others think or say about you. Good or bad.

Every single person on the planet is a work-in-progress.

When you truly know who you are — and who you are in the process of becoming — you will no longer live in fear of what people say or think about you.

And that is a powerful place to be.

Those you attract into your life will know the true you, not some distorted or diluted version of yourself that you present to others in order to maintain one’s friendship or approval.

No, not everyone will like you (whether you try to please everyone or not), but those who do will like and respect you for who you truly are.

Be a good person — as you are and in your own way — and you will attract more of those types of people into your life.

Because in a world of media manipulated trends, spin, fake news, and superficial celebrities, authentic, genuine, and confident people are much rarer than they should be.

So step it up, if you haven’t.

And keep it up if you have.

We need you.

“When you are brave enough to be yourself, you give others permission to do the same.”

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How big is your box?

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I’ve said this before, but we, as individuals, are almost entirely responsible for building the “boxes” we choose to live in as well as for tying our own strings.

Little by little through life, we often change who we are — or how we act — in order to fit within other people’s expectations of who they think we are and how we think they think we should act.

In short, if you choose to act a certain way to please certain people, you do it at the expense of your true self and your true desires.

Yes, social norms exist for a reason. And there is a time and place for everything. And not all content is suitable for all audiences. And first impressions do matter — and so does being likable…

But you do yourself a disservice if you continually edit or censor yourself out of fear of what you think others will think.

I’ve also said this before, not everyone will like you — and that is perfectly ok!

What’s important is that you like you — and enough other people like you enough to show that you’re not a complete assclown.

Because being yourself is important, but so is not being an assclown.

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