Zerosophy

When your possessions disallow you from doing something you want to do, the cost of ownership is your freedom.

Be careful where you place your values and what you collect in life. Don’t let the things you own end up owning you.

It’s beneficial to periodically take a step back and consider whether something in your life is really adding the kind of value that makes it worth keeping. Or whether it’s something you could sell or donate to someone who would value it more. And more importantly, get more use out of it.

It’s not a coincidence that the happiest people on the planet live with less.

Don’t let a modern materialistic society convince you that you need things that you don’t actually use.

You may just find yourself happier without another mass produced piece of plastic.

If you don’t use it, lose it.

Related:

• Ways to find encouragement: Lighten your load
• A tough pill to swallow
• Change your priorities and you change your life.
• Your greatness is not measured by how much you’re able to gain…
• Offsite: He who buys what he does not need, steals from himself.
• Authentic people don’t have to make a show of their success or value to appear successful
• Don’t let the things you own end up owning you.
• Learn to let go.

Yes. Social anxiety sucks. And if you suffer from it, you are definitely not alone.

Just saying.

[And trying to explain it to people — or what triggers it or why you get it in some situations and not others — also sucks.

Because it doesn’t always even make sense to the person who suffers from it.

And our friends don’t see it because we often don’t get anxiety with them.

“I’m shy.”
“You are so not shy.”
“Well, not with you, no.”]

Related:

• “Quit crying…”
• A breach of bonds
• A tonal shift

This is a follow-up to my previous post: “Quit crying…”

…

As a child, the only way you could get me to talk to my father figure(s) was by forcing me to.

It wasn’t valued enough by the father figure(s) to ever be corrected in my youth.

And as an adult, the precedent was set.

As a child I was quiet and shy. As an adult, not so much. But it took work.

But even today, I still have major anxiety approaching strangers without a specific reason or answering the phone for unexpected calls.

We all have our stuff. I’m no different.

I’m confident and comfortable being on live television or public speaking, but try to get me to approach someone for the sole intent of meeting them… that’s often my Kryptonite (still working on it).

In contrast, I don’t mind being approached. I enjoy it — unless you have no social grace. I’m an “introverted extrovert”. Some people will understand what that means immediately. Others don’t.

I share this (as a follow-up to my previous post “Quit crying…” post) because if you create an environment where your children fear you — or are uncomfortable showing their emotions — or simply uncomfortable having a conversation with you, you’re likely not doing it with either of your best interest in mind.

And by the time you realize it and say, “You know you can talk to me, right?” it might be too late.

Your actions speak louder than words. And while children may not always remember what you said, they will remember how you made them feel. (*hat tip to Maya Angelou).

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou

When parents tell their kids to “Quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” I always want to offer suggestions…

“Old Yeller!”
“The Iron Giant”
“Forrest Gump when he asks if ‘he’s like me‘”

And sometimes I just want to say that parents aggressively threatening crying children as a way coerce them into not crying rates pretty high on my list of things to cry about.

There’s nothing kind or loving about it.

[This expression and the emotional invalidation that goes along with it (and expressions like it) has been shown to have adverse affects on people’s emotional development into adulthood.]

From the comments: (compiled & condensed)

“But kids use crying as a way to manipulate adults.”

First, I hesitate talking about parenting, because I am not a parent. If you think that invalidates what I have to say — fair enough — read no further.

But as a victim of child abuse and a pretty volatile upbringing, I remember what it was like to be that child.

While it’s true that children use crying as a way to manipulate adults, children’s behavior is reinforced by adults as the behavior develops.

But that actually has little to do with what prompted my post. My point, that I didn’t so clearly make, is that there is likely an equally effective or more effective way to elicit the type of behavior you want from a child that doesn’t involve speaking to them in a tone most parents wouldn’t use with a family pet with words that seem more appropriate in a prison setting.

Quit crying or I’m going to make you cry. I’m going to hurt you.

That is the essence of this threat.

I’m not suggesting it’s an instant fix. But I am suggesting the fix has more to do with parenting than it does with being a kid.

Yes, children act out and throw fits. And whatever a child wants at any particular moment is often the most important thing in the world — so when they don’t get it, they explode (but exploding is also another learned behavior).

I see so many public scenes and outbursts that develop over minutes because a parent isn’t really listening or paying attention to their child. They’re just going through the motions. They aren’t connecting with their kid or anticipating issues. And the issues they don’t anticipate are often the same issues they haven’t learned how to deal with effectively (for all parties).

So as many parents tune out their children, they miss important clues into a child’s mental state. And suddenly there is an outburst. And crying. And so it’s the reflexive, “Quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”

It is not the attempt at trying to resolve the issue that concerns me — which I hope is obvious. It’s the aggressiveness and threatening nature of the phrase “Quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” that I have an issue with.

Because there are better, less aggressive, less threatening ways.

This expression and the emotional invalidation that goes along with it (and expressions like it) has been shown to have adverse affects on people’s emotional development into adulthood.

I’m sure one time won’t do it. But then, parents who think it’s effective will continue to use it as a parenting tool without bothering to look for other solutions. So it’s rarely a one-time event.

Setting your children up to fear you is asking for issues. Feeling loved and having trust in your caregivers is important. And many children remember things well into adulthood and beyond.

Sometimes parents forget that.

Some parents don’t realize what a huge loss that is if their child no longer feels comfortable coming to them when they have issues. Some don’t even realize they are not someone their children comes to for support because their children never have. Because they learned it was safest not to.

“Quit your crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

If you’ve sensed a slight shift in tone of some of my posts lately, I can explain why thusly (off the top of my head, so paraphrasing):

• Do one thing every day that scares you.
• Growth happens beyond comfort. (1) (2) (3) (4)
• Be brave, take risks. (1) (2)
• Offsite: Be a voice, not an echo.
• Have something to say, don’t just say something.
• If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you.
• Offsite: Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter

I don’t always enjoy sticking my neck out, showing vulnerability, or openly challenging people or their beliefs, but when I do, it’s because I want to grow and learn from the experience as much as I want to help people grow and learn from the experience.

And finally, one of my favorite quotes…

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve gotten.”

Writing about stuff you _think_ is one thing. Writing about stuff you _experience_ is another.

I prefer real-life experience and the lessons it provides over relying entirely on theories, quotes, and folk tales.

Beyond things that are simply common sense, if you don’t try something that’s new for you, and simply rely on other people’s results, how will you ever discover if their results and their conclusions are in line with your own?

No two people who share an experience will ever describe it in exactly the same way.

It’s good to take risks (within reason) and try new things.

If that’s not a vital part of living a well rounded life leading to personal growth, I don’t know what is.

…

*And if you’ve ever taken something I’ve written about personally, it isn’t.

The only people I’ve specifically written posts for are my family (a few they’ve never acknowledged) and my unborn children (many).

And someone I wanted to help through their depression. And another I didn’t want to be so hard on themselves.

Related:

• If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you.
• Parachutes
• Strength from discomfort
• Relations and relationships

“Hey, guys. I’m going to pick up this really bad habit that everyone warns me about and it will probably shorten and significantly reduce the quality of my life if it doesn’t kill me first.”

“What are you, crazy? Don’t!”

*A few years later*

“Hey, guys. I just quit the really bad habit that everyone warned me about.”

“OMG. Congratulations! You are such an inspiration.”

O_o

Yes, congratulations to those who quit bad habits.

You’ve done the right thing. You’re setting a good example. And you should be encouraged for it.

But also congratulations to those who don’t pick them up in the first place.

You’ve done the right thing. You’re setting a good example. And YOU should be encouraged for it, TOO.

Sometimes people think you have to do big things — or do something unwise and then correct it — to be an inspiration.

But no.

You inspire people every day simply by setting a good example.

Related:

• Doing Good
• Wearing a cape is optional
• The right thing to do
• Lanes Merge Ahead
• Dear Self
• How to be a Superhero in Real Life (part 1)
• Offsite: PHD in Leadership. A short course…
• Offsite: A leader leads from in front, by the power of example.
• Offsite: You can’t change other people. You can only offer guidance and lead by example.
• Never underestimate the power of a single act of kindness
• Being kind without expectation is the truest kind of kindness
• Go ahead, make someone’s day…
• Being awesome doesn’t mean simply existing
• Your greatness is not measured by how much you’re able to gain…
• To do list
• Success isn’t just about accomplishment
• Be a candle. Spread some light.