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Not everyone will understand your journey. That’s fine. It’s not their journey to make sense of. It’s yours.

Zero Dean

Author | Photographer | CG Artist | Filmmaker

Communication

Relationships & teamwork

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From acquaintances to best friends to married couples, all great friendships involve teamwork.

Teamwork sits alongside trust, communication, and tolerance as a building block of the best relationships.

Teamwork is not “What can I get out of this relationship?”, it’s “What can I bring to this relationship to make it better?”

Teamwork is the combined commitment to overcome obstacles. It’s support. It’s encouragement. It’s working together.

It’s rising to the challenge of bettering yourself for the benefit of the whole. It’s providing the support & encouragement necessary to help others better themselves and succeed in their endeavors.

Whether it’s providing a kind word, sincere appreciation, a listening ear, or something else entirely, never stop trying to add value to your relationships.

Never underestimate the power of teamwork.

Never stop asking, “What can I do to make this relationship better?”

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Airing of grievances

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“Most people spend more time and energy going around problems than in trying to solve them.” — Henry Ford

If a disproportionate number of the conversations you have with people involve complaining or highlighting things you don’t like, it might be wise to consider either accepting the things you can’t change, changing the things you can, or both.

“Stress is caused by trying to have power over things that are beyond your control.”

Whatever the case, unless you are explicitly invited to express your ongoing dissatisfaction with people, places, or events in your life and have a goal of working through and solving your problems, there’s a very good chance no one actually enjoys listening to you complain.

Learn to let go of the things you can’t change and move on.

“Inner Peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.”

It’s remarkable what better things there are to focus on and talk about when you remove the habit of complaining from your routine.

“Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys.” — Rita Schiano

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From the comments:

Shannon: Is there a difference between venting and complaining?

Zero: I would say it depends on what one’s definition (and manner) of venting is.

Research shows venting tends to perpetuate the problems because it provides what appears to be a momentary reprieve, but it *changes nothing*.

You either change the things you can by actively seeking to solve the problem or you accept what you cannot change and move on.

*Some* people’s manner of venting is actually solution-oriented problem-solving.

“Angry? You could call a friend and vent. You could punch a pillow or break a plate. Or you could even record a rant on a website like RantRampage.com. Unfortunately, you may be doing more harm than good; research has found that venting actually makes your anger worse.”– Fast Company (from this article)

Some people can vent in a productive manner.

My original post is mainly about chronic complainers. There are people who have a disproportionate number of conversations that are simply complaint sessions with no intention of looking for solutions or making changes.

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Taking things for granted

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From your relationships with people to the environment to modern day conveniences, the things that are most often taken for granted in the world require effort and energy to simply maintain them, let alone improve them.

Take the time to think about what it would be like if the things you appreciate most in the world became scarce or went missing.

Take the time to think about what you might be taking for granted.

And then take the time to express your gratitude for these things.

Not only will it give you a greater appreciation for the things you take for granted, it’ll remind you that there are people and places in the world where those things no longer exist or never did.

And as a result, not only increase your appreciation for what you have, increase your desire to maintain or improve upon it.

There’s a saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.”

Be sure you take inventory.

Related:

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The words you put in people’s mouths are your own

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People may tell you something. And if you misunderstand it, they may try to clarify what they meant when they said it.

And, unless they are known to be manipulative or approval-seeking, what they say they meant is probably what they meant (and not what you think they meant).

To assume you know what someone else was thinking or what they really meant when they said something — despite their attempts to correct you — is more a reflection of your line of thinking than it is of theirs.

The words you put in people’s mouths are your own. Allow people to explain themselves.

Language — and especially the written word — can be a tricky thing. Not everyone gets it right the first time. And even if they do, not everyone interprets it in exactly the same way.

But if you want to be offended by something because you choose to misinterpret it and insist that your interpretation is correct, it’s easy to do and that’s your choice.

But if you wish to communicate with someone clearly, I wouldn’t recommend it.

Related:

Matters of miscommunication

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Many miscommunications are perpetuated by people who fail to check that they are either being understood correctly or correctly understanding someone.

One effective means to overcome misunderstandings is to repeat back to the person what you think they said.

“If I’m understanding you correctly, what you’re saying is…”

In that way, you can make sure you’re on the same page and not wasting unnecessary time & energy — or potentially making things worse.

Many misunderstandings also happen because, rather than listen closely to what others are saying, people often use the time that others spend speaking to plan what they’re going to say next. They listen to reply, rather than listen to understand.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” — Stephen R. Covey

This is often evidenced by how often people interrupt each other.

Unless it is for the purpose of clarification, interrupting someone to steer a conversation in a different direction is not only an indication that you aren’t listening closely, it’s a sign that you think what you have to say is more important than what the speaker is saying.

While interrupting someone can be acceptable in fun and playful conversations between friends, it can be disrespectful and potentially hazardous in any exchange meant to be taken seriously.

While it’s important to be able to express yourself clearly, it’s equally, if not more important to be able to listen effectively.

There is truth in this ancient wisdom from Epictetus, the Greek Sage and Stoic philosopher:

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

We learn much more through listening carefully than we do by thinking about what we’re going to say when the person speaking stops talking.

There is great power in being a person who can listen effectively.

“There’s a lot of difference between listening and hearing.” — G.K. Chesterton

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Acknowledging positive influences

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Your mission, if you choose to accept it today, is to think of someone who has influenced you in a positive way and then take the time to tell them.

Whether they set a good example, or inspired you, motivated you, offered you support when you needed it, encouraged you, made you laugh, or were simply kind to you, if you respect and admire that person, let them know — and be specific.

“I really admire you.” is nice.

“I really admire you because…” is even nicer.

And if you can’t think of someone — or can’t get in touch with that someone — then BE that someone for someone today.

Be the person that others admire.

Lend a hand. Offer a word of encouragement. Be kind. Set the example you’d like to see.

But don’t do it because you expect anything in return. Just do it because it feels good.

That’s your mission today.

And if you like it, every day.

:)

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Related:

Complaining

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“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.” — Dennis Wholey

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Complaining about how life isn’t treating you fairly doesn’t make life treat you any more fairly.

Complaining about how something isn’t going your way, doesn’t make it suddenly go your way.

Complaining about how difficult something is doesn’t make it any easier.

While venting can be a way to release frustration, it rarely yields the sort of results that one is potentially hoping for — especially in regard to whatever it is one is expressing frustration about.

If what you’re looking for is a listening ear and a solution to your problems, then there are more effective ways to communicate.

It can be as simple as saying, “I have a problem and I want to fix it.”

And you might even find that those listening, will actively want to help you.

Because you’re not complaining. You’re looking for solutions.

Related:

From the comments:

Scott: Sometimes though, venting just makes you feel better.

Zero: Sure. Venting can release frustration. But so can simply talking to someone about how you want to solve a problem.

And research indicates the same:

“Angry? You could call a friend and vent. You could punch a pillow or break a plate. Or you could even record a rant on a website like RantRampage.com. Unfortunately, you may be doing more harm than good; research has found that venting actually makes your anger worse.” — Fast Company (Article)

Most people don’t like to listen to people vent or complain. But they are much more open to listening when it’s clear someone is working on solving a problem.

As I say, “there are more effective ways to communicate.”

I think it’s often not the actual act of complaining/venting that makes one feel better — it’s the thought that there will be a resolution because one has moved beyond complaining to the point of working on a solution.

Either with a decision that one is either going to accept the state of things or actually take action and change them.

There’s definitely a difference between sharing and talking about one’s problems without any intention of doing anything about them — and sharing and talking about one’s problems in a way that yields a solution — whether that comes from one’s self or the helpful suggestions of others.

Ultimately, I think it comes down to one deciding to finally accept something or take action to change it.

Although I think the manner in which to take action is the hard part (although I suppose acceptance can be difficult, too).

Take the time to express it

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Take the time to say it.

“You know what I really like about you…”
“I love it when you…”
“I really respect you for…”
“This thing you did had such a good effect on me…”
“Thank you for…”
“I really appreciate it when you…”
“I admire you for…”
“One of my favorite memories of you is…”

Accentuate the positive in others and you may just have as positive effect on someone else as they have on you.

Related:

How to tell when someone just wants to fight

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How to tell when someone just wants to fight:

  • Rather than talk about the issue, they talk about you.
  • Rather than actively move towards a peaceful resolution, they turn you into the opposition.
  • Rather than it be “us vs. the problem”, it becomes “me vs. you.”
  • Rather than take what you say at face value, they choose to twist or misinterpret what you say to meet their own needs.
  • They will accuse you of being defensive when you are simply stating facts or your opinion.
  • They will tell you what you think, put words in your mouth, or provide their own justification for your actions.
  • They will tell you what good things they used to think about you before telling you they don’t feel that way anymore.
  • They will tell you how much you disappoint them.
  • They will try to bully you into apologizing and saying you’re sorry.
  • They will recruit others to do all of the above.
  • And as you communicate, things get progressively worse, despite your efforts at working towards peace.

If someone uses the above techniques in a “conversation”, that’s not called being open minded or “working things out”. That’s called trying to “win” through submission.

And the fact is, no matter what the outcome is, there are no winners.

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