You can’t be yourself when your personal identity is directly linked to what others think or say about you. Goodorbad.
Every single person on the planet is a work-in-progress.
When you truly know who you are — and who you are in the process of becoming — you will no longer live in fear of what people say or think about you.
And that is a powerful place to be.
Those you attract into your life will know the true you, not some distorted or diluted version of yourself that you present to others in order to maintain one’s friendship or approval.
No, not everyone will like you (whether you try to please everyone or not), but those who do will like and respect you for who you truly are.
Be a good person — as you are and in your own way — and you will attract more of those types of people into your life.
Because in a world of media manipulated trends, spin, fake news, and superficial celebrities, authentic, genuine, and confident people are much rarer than they should be.
I’m paraphrasing the above quotes from reviews of one of my favorite books last year. Some of the actual reviews are far more brutal — and there are many more just like this.
I mean some people really hate this book.
And that’s a pretty sure sign that something is wrong. Right?
So what should the author do? Should they take the criticism to heart and curl up in a ball on the floor? Should they give up writing? (Some people have suggested as much).
Maybe they should seek ways to ensure that their next book — if they can muster the motivation to write one — appeals to these “haters” in some way so as to not to attract such harsh criticism?
They could do that.
In fact, it’s not that uncommon for people to not only change their creations to please others, some even go as far as to change the unique things about themselves in order to be more like those that get better “feedback”.
But I think that’s a mistake.
It may surprise you to discover that the book I’m referring to currently has a solid 5 star rating on Amazon. It has also been one of the best-selling books in its genre since it was published.
So — depending on how you look at it — it’s not so bad after all.
But what about these 1 star reviews? Are they invalid?
No. Of course not. Because an opinion is just that, an opinion.
Even if you’re only in the 1% of people who either do or don’t like something, it doesn’t make you “wrong”. It just means that, for whatever reason, you are not among the appreciative audience the something was intended or most suited for.
The next time you feel rejected, criticized, or cross paths with someone who sees things differently than you do, I encourage you to remind yourself that it is likely impossible to be universally liked. And in order for nearly anything to truly have mass appeal, it must also situate itself within a very narrow spectrum so as not to offend, or bore, or turn off anyone.
And often, the moment something gains mass appeal, people criticize it for exactly that reason.
Even people who donate millions of dollars to charity receive complaints from folks who don’t think it was the right charity, or the right time, or the best use of that person’s money.
It’s very rare that you can ever do what you consider a good thing that everyone who hears about it will appreciate.
Remember this the next time you run across someone who has a different opinion than you do, or who criticizes you or something you produce. It doesn’t necessarily mean they are wrong, but it more than likely means they are simply not among the people you or what you produce is most suited for.
What really matters is making — and doing — the things you want to do for those they are intended for and not wasting your time trying to please or appease those who will never get you — or what you have to offer — no matter how hard you try.
…
What is the book in question? It doesn’t really matter.
Because it could be any book. Or any movie, or song, or literally anything anyone has an opinion about one way or the other.
If you’d like to try an exercise, I suggest going and reading the negative reviews for one of your favorite books or movies. Then, go read the positive reviews for a book or movie you really disliked.
Doing this can help provide added perspective because it reminds us of what it feels like to be at both ends of the spectrum — and neither end is “wrong.”
Sometimes people will try to trivialize your accomplishments in order to feel better about themselves.
Never let someone’s own sense of self-worth interfere with your self-esteem or sense of accomplishment. Because your efforts and achievements in life — no matter how small — count.
Life isn’t a competition. It isn’t about comparing yourself to others. It’s about trying to be better than the person you were yesterday.
While we may cross paths, the route each of us takes through life is unique. And a step forward is a step forward, regardless of how small your stride is or how long is takes you to get somewhere.
So go slow if you must. And make mistakes — as everyone does — and learn from them.
Just keep going and don’t let others — or their achievements — get you down.
And remember, no two people are on the same journey through life.
They will share inspirational quotes and motivational images like nobody’s business. They will root for the underdog in movies. They will tell you that “Freedom lies in being bold!“, “Go for it!” and “Just do it!”
And so you set forth to try.
And then it starts.
The criticism.
Because what they really meant was anyone but you.
Because you’re a nobody and you’re not what they had in mind. And you’re doing it all wrong.
“Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where I came from because I didn’t have the courage to say “yes” to life?” — Paulo Coelho
They will ridicule you for trying to climb. They will call you egotistical for sticking your neck out. They will say you’re not different. There’s nothing special about you. And “it’s been done”.
At the same time they tell you that you lack originality, you will be mocked for breaking the rules. Bucking the status quo. Being weird. Unconventional. And trying new things.
They will make quick snap judgements about your character without hesitation. “You’re just looking for attention.” “What a show off.” “Narcissist!” “Glory hound!” You’re a hack. Arrogant, too. You just think you’re better than everyone else.
They will seek to discourage you. “Why are you even trying?”, “You can’t escape the system.” You’re just a loser. Doomed to fail. And whatever it is you seek, you don’t deserve it anyway.
But remember this:
They will misread your intentions, your actions, and your words. They will try to tell you why you are doing what you’re doing — as if they have more insight into what you’re trying to do than you do.
And they will be wrong.
But it doesn’t matter.
Because you’re not doing it for them. You’re doing it for you. And whatever your reasons may be, you don’t have to explain or justify yourself unless you want to. What matters most is simply deciding what you want to do, and then setting forth to do it.
So just treat people well, be as good a person as you can be along the way, and don’t let the naysayers get you down.
Because…
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.” – Dennis Wholey
They don’t really think about you as much as you think they do anyway. And when it really comes down to it, why would you care so much about what other people think about you when they don’t provide you with the same consideration?
To believe in yourself is to disconnect from need for positive feedback — or approval — from others as the justification and drive for whatever it is you wish to accomplish.
You have to have such a strong faith in yourself, your abilities, or your idea(s) that you are able to sustain the effort — and maintain the enthusiasm — necessary to succeed, even when you are inevitably presented with challenges along the way.
And this is when you often need to believe in yourself the most in order to overcome the irrationality of groupthink.
If you truly believe in what you’re doing — then you’re not doing it for others or what they think about it — you’re doing it because you believe in yourself and the value of what you have to offer.
You need to learn to be the source of your own strength and encouragement. Because if you don’t have a deep down belief in yourself and a confidence in your ability to overcome any obstacles along your path, why will anyone else?
It starts with you. And you can do it.
But you don’t need me to tell you that — because deep down, you already know it.
Once upon a time, I used to post things and judge their value by likes and shares. And if something didn’t get many of either, I’d think, “Oh well.”
Then one day I posted something that barely made a blip. But instead of likes or shares, I received an email that said:
“Thank you. I really needed that today.”
And so it has happened in a similar fashion — via email or comments — a number of times since then.
And that’s how I discovered the real value in connecting with people. And it has much less to do with likes and shares than it does with creating meaningful moments in others’ lives, even if only one at a time.
With that in mind, let me offer two thoughts for your consideration:
1.You may never know who your actions, words, or creations inspire, but those who appreciate these things you offer to the world are out there, even if they are not always visible to you.
For every person who takes the time to acknowledge the value in what you have to offer, there will always be others who won’t. The lack of acknowledgement does not make what you offer any less valuable — especially if you already believe in and see the value in it (and it is important that you do).
2.Never hesitate to express thanks — or send a kind word — to those who touch you in a meaningful way — be it through their actions, words, or works of art.
Because you also never know how your own gratitude becomes the fuel that touches and inspires those who touch and inspire you.
…
If you’re reading this, you have my thanks. It is a pleasure to connect with you, whether we do it often — or make a show of it — or not.
Music, movies, books, tv, fashion, art, animals, people, even Facebook statuses — whatever it may be — you don’t need anyone’s approval to genuinely like what you like.
As long as it’s not causing harm to yourself or others in some way, don’t let anyone make you feel like there is anything wrong with your personal preferences. Just because someone else may not like what you like, doesn’t make it any less worthy of your affection.
In fact, history shows us that just because something is popular doesn’t mean that it’s any better than something that may be lesser known.
Some people (or products) just get lucky. Others have millions of marketing dollars backing them to reach the tipping point that creates a sense of desire in the masses.
Some of the best and most amazing things in the world won’t be recognized by “the crowd” until years after they were created. And some things may never be recognized by the crowd.
When someone judges you for what you like, realize that it says more about them than it says about you. Being yourself means being unapologetically affectionate about the things you like, regardless of what others may think.
So go ahead and like what you like. And stand by it proudly. It means you’re being true to yourself and not falling victim to crowd mentality.
The only person that is truly aware of your emotions, your intentions, or your interpretation of experiences — which is all they can be — is you.
As much as others may — at times — identify with you or your actions, it is impossible to go through life without occasionally being misunderstood. While you can control what you say and how you act, you cannot control how others choose to interpret it. And it may sometimes seem that no matter how much you try to explain yourself to others, they just don’t “get it”.
This should be expected.
Not everyone will understand your journey. That’s fine. It’s not their journey to make sense of. It’s yours.
