Self-talk Archives - Page 3 of 4

Keys to self-confidence

October 14, 2015 by Zero Dean

One of the keys to self-confidence is recognizing those things that make you feel vulnerable or self-conscious and then accepting them.

Because when you accept yourself for who you are — flaws and all — you leave people far less capable of adversely affecting your sense of self-worth.

One of the byproducts of a stable sense of self-worth is self-confidence.

When you truly know who you are — and who you are in the process of becoming — you will no longer live in fear of what people say or think about you.

Take the time to get to know yourself.

Learn to know the difference between what you can change about yourself and what you can’t.

Understand that you are a work-in-progress and that the things about yourself that you have power over — such as your attitude, diet, fitness, habit, and skills — can and will change for the better over time if you work on them.

Regardless of where you are in your journey, accept yourself as you are at this time.

Related:

If you create goals with confidence, but sometimes suffer from self-doubt…

October 10, 2015 by Zero Dean

Excerpt from: Setbacks and self-doubt

If you create goals with confidence, but sometimes suffer from self-doubt, realize that it’s a sign that you’re on the right track, not the wrong one.

Because if your aspirations don’t push you beyond your comfort zone, you’re not aiming high enough.

Related:

Beating yourself up & tearing yourself down.

December 18, 2014 by Zero Dean

“My life sucks.”
“I’m a failure.”
“I’m not where I want to be.”

It should be obvious, but even if you’re not exactly where you want to be in life — or you’re unsatisfied with your current situation — beating yourself up over the fact that you aren’t where you wish to be only serves to make things worse.

Rather than help, this kind of negative thinking puts the one person most capable of fighting for your well-being at a disadvantage. It turns you into your own enemy.

You wouldn’t tolerate a friend belittling your accomplishments, rubbing your mistakes in your face, or trying to put you down. So why would you accept that kind of behavior from yourself?

You don’t win an award for seeing how low you can go or how miserable you can make yourself feel.

If you have a tendency to do this, it’s time to stop. It’s time to take note of when your line of thinking is leading you in a downward spiral. It’s time to remind yourself that making yourself feel worse about whatever situation you find yourself in isn’t helpful or necessary and no good will come of it.

“This isn’t helping me. I need to stop thinking this way. I need to stop revisiting these thoughts. I need to focus on something else. I need to remember that, ‘This, too, shall pass’.”

While you may not be able to immediately change the situation you find yourself in, you can change is your attitude about it. And rather than focus on your problems, you can focus on solutions to your problems. Even if the most immediate solution is to stop beating yourself up — because that’s a problem you can solve.

It’s important to remember that success in anything is often comprised of many failures. And comparing your life to others isn’t fair. We are each on our own unique journey. No two people are following the same exact paths in life.

And not only do people rarely make their struggles known, they often don’t highlight their failures either. What you see when you look at others’ lives is often only a fraction of a complete picture.

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” — Steve Furtick

If revisiting the past in your mind makes you miserable or comparing yourself to others makes you feel like a failure, stop doing it. Because no amount of thinking about these things in this way is going to help you. No matter what you do, you cannot change the past.

The only thing you have complete control over is your attitude and how you choose to act in this moment. This moment matters.

Rather than waste time and energy tearing yourself down, use that time to focus on what you want to achieve. Taking steps to stop yourself from feeling worse is a start.

You, more than anyone, have the ability to be your own best friend, it seems a shame to waste that opportunity by becoming your worst enemy.

Retire those tired old dysfunctional thoughts. Push forward with new ones. Be thankful for what you have and work with it and take positive action.

You can be the hero of your life and the champion of your well-being, but first you have fully commit to the role.

And that transformation will only take place after you stop beating yourself up & tearing yourself down.

Don’t give power to your unfriendly thoughts.

—

*This isn’t about positive thinking or negative thinking. This is about stopping the barrage of unfriendly thoughts that lead one down a debilitating downward spiral that often leaves one feeling helpless and hopeless.

Negative thinking can actually lead to positive change, but it requires that one be in a mental state capable of finding the motivation to initiate that change. There is a huge difference between focusing on self-abuse that makes one’s self miserable and using negative thinking to initiate positive changes.

As I’ve written before, it’s ok not to be happy.

Related:

Don’t fill in the blanks for things you don’t know the true answers to…

December 14, 2014 by Zero Dean

Excerpt from: Filling in the blanks

Don’t fill in the blanks for things you don’t know the true answers to with negative things that you convince yourself are the truth.

Related:

“I shouldn’t…”

November 16, 2014 by Zero Dean

“I shouldn’t…”

I shouldn’t talk to that person because I don’t want to bother them.
I shouldn’t ask anyone for help because it makes me seem needy.
I shouldn’t feel proud of my accomplishments because I haven’t done anything original or noteworthy.
I shouldn’t draw attention to myself because I don’t deserve it.
I shouldn’t contribute to a conversation because I might say something wrong.
I shouldn’t express my affection for someone because it probably won’t be reciprocated.
I shouldn’t show vulnerability because it will make me appear weak.
I shouldn’t offer advice because I don’t have a degree in the subject.
I shouldn’t express my opinions because someone may disagree.
I shouldn’t act a certain way because it isn’t considered adult behavior.
I shouldn’t stick my neck out because I might get my head chopped off.
I shouldn’t use profanity because it might offend someone.
I shouldn’t try to help people because my own life isn’t exactly where I want it to be.
I shouldn’t even try because it probably won’t work or turn out the way I want it to.
I shouldn’t publish a post or piece of art until it’s perfect — and it never is.

And that’s just me.

If I listened to everything I told myself I shouldn’t do, I wouldn’t ever do anything worth doing.

Sometimes you just have to tell the voice in your head to SHUSH! And then remind yourself that if it turns out that whatever you want to do is a mistake, you’ll learn from it.

[ DISCLAIMER: I am not recommending law breaking, bad, abusive, or negative behavior. Please use common sense. ]

Everyone feels anxiety at times. Everyone gets nervous. Everyone occasionally wonders if what they want to do will be a mistake.

And that’s ok, but you don’t ever let that stop you from living your life on your terms. Who are you living your life for anyway? You — or everyone else on the planet?

Live. Try stuff. Make mistakes. Learn. Improve. Repeat.

Because being afraid of doing something you truly want to do isn’t a good enough reason not to do it.

“Live life fully while you’re here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You’re going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don’t try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human.” — Anthony Robbins

Related:

Fear of self-expression is a form of self-imposed slavery

November 6, 2014 by Zero Dean

If you do the best you can to be a decent human being, show tolerance and kindness to others — and still live in fear of what people think of you, your possessions, your opinions, or your beliefs, and then alter your behavior to be “approved” by as many people as possible, that isn’t freedom, it’s a form of self-imposed slavery.

You become a slave to the idea that what other people might think is more important that exercising your ability to express your true self.

Have you ever avoided something as simple as clicking a “like” button or commenting on a post on social media because you were afraid of what people would think if they saw it? If so, then you’re doing it.

If your relationships are so fragile that something like a single like, share, or comment could end them (or cause an unfollow or other equivalent), then perhaps those are not the kind of relationships that are really adding any kind of value to your life.

And perhaps it’s time to ask yourself what the point of “collecting people” in your life is, if the sorts of people you’ve collected will judge you “unworthy” of their friendship and leave you the moment you truly express yourself.

This is an issue that goes far beyond how people act on social media, it’s a real-life problem as well.

Changing who you are to be liked by people may result in more people “liking” you, but it also means that those who “like” you are liking someone who is pretending to be someone or something they’re not.

And, ultimately, you’re sacrificing yourself (and your life) to do it. You’re sacrificing your freedom to express your true self in order to gain “friends” who don’t even like you for you.

In the end, this really makes no sense. Life is not a popularity contest. It’s not about collecting as many “friends” as possible. And no matter what you do, not everyone is going to like or agree with you anyway. That’s life.

Do you respect people who water themselves down, live in fear of being disliked, or pretend to be someone they’re not in order to gain favor? If not, then how can you expect to respect yourself if you do the same things?

“When you are brave enough to be yourself, you give others permission to do the same.”

Be your genuine self and you will find that those who stick around in your life are those who appreciate and respect you for who you truly are. They may not agree with everything you say, do, or believe, but they are far more likely to forgive you for your mistakes or lapses in judgement and stick by you not only during the high times in your life, but also the lows.

And you can live knowing that you’re not being judged by those who matter to you — and if you are, you still don’t live in fear of it, because it’s not your problem. When people judge you, it says more about them than it says about you.

And, in the off chance you suck as a human being and few people like you, then that’s perhaps a sign you have some things to work on to be a better person in an authentic way — and not someone who simply pretends to be one.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

…

As far I’m concerned, if you’re tolerant and open-minded, I like having you in my life, regardless of your beliefs or some opinions you have that I don’t agree with (and vice-versa). Because ultimately, we help each other grow.

I’ve said it before, you don’t have to agree on everything to get along. And some of the best relationships are formed by people who don’t.

Related:

Empower yourself

August 12, 2014 by Zero Dean

Yes, there are a lot of problems in the world. And the media is happy to share them with you.

One of the most deceptively easy ways to start feeling bad about things is to start focusing on all these problems — and/or your own — without putting in quality time to focus on solutions and ultimately taking action.

The chances of miraculously solving all of your own or the world’s problems by focusing on how bad they make you feel are next to none.

Casually or subconsciously focusing on problems is one of the quickest ways to feel overwhelmed — and many times you won’t even realize why you suddenly feel miserable, only that you do.

If you’re not willing and/or able to commit to action and taking steps to change something for the better, then simply acknowledge your negative thoughts for the time being and move on to something more productive, more positive, more empowering.

Especially if you’re prone to depression.

It is totally ok not to start a project when you don’t have the strength, focus, or tools necessary to complete it.

Gather your tools and the right mindset, and have a strategy. Then you can tackle your problems with intention.

Einstein said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”

Along those lines, I say we can’t solve life’s toughest problems from a state of mental or emotional weakness. Rather than make things better, attempting to do so often makes things appear worse. That’s when you, instead, focus on something else.

And if you ever find yourself stuck having to take action, and you have neither the tools or the strength necessary to do it, then reach out to someone who at least has the potential to help you.

There are always people out there willing to help you in any way they can. Even when they, too, have their own problems.

One of the greatest ways to feel empowered and valuable is to find a way to help someone else.

And by doing so, you might just find someone willing and able to help you solve your own problems. Or together, problems you weren’t capable of solving alone.

Student says, “I am very discouraged. What should I do?” Master says, “Encourage others.” — Zen Proverb

Synergy is a wonderful thing.

Related:

“I can’t do that.”

December 28, 2020July 28, 2014 by Zero Dean

“I can’t do that.”

“I can’t even draw a stick figure.”
“I can’t even stand on a skateboard.”
“I can’t play a tune.”
“I can’t type that fast.”
“I can’t…”

Really? Well I have some questions for you:

How often have you really tried?
How much have you educated yourself about that particular thing you “can’t” do?
How much training did you get?
How much practice have you put in?
Did you make doing whatever it is a priority in your life or were you just expecting to miraculously wake up one day with this new ability?

Because, while it is true some people are more naturally talented at some things than others, most people who are good enough at something for you to notice how good they are at that thing have put in countless hours practicing that thing.

So is it really any surprise that you’re not as good at something as someone who has trained themselves to do something is?

Be very wary of the limitations you place on yourself. Repeatedly telling yourself that you can’t do something, will eventually make it true, simply because you convince yourself to never try.

“Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right.” — Henry Ford

And let’s be frank, perhaps with countless hours of training, you still won’t be as good at something as you want to be — we all have our own areas of difficulty (as well as excellence) — but you will certainly be better than you were when you started. And you will likely have learned something valuable in the process.

You rarely get better at anything without experience. And that also means countless failures.

So don’t say you can’t do it if you haven’t made repeated attempts and failed.

Don’t say you can’t do it if you’ve barely ever even tried.

As a wise person once said, success is 99% failure.

You’ll never do great things unless you make the effort and try.

Related:

i-cant-do-that-zero-dean

Believing in yourself

August 25, 2013 by Zero Dean

To believe in yourself is to disconnect from need for positive feedback — or approval — from others as the justification and drive for whatever it is you wish to accomplish.

You have to have such a strong faith in yourself, your abilities, or your idea(s) that you are able to sustain the effort — and maintain the enthusiasm — necessary to succeed, even when you are inevitably presented with challenges along the way.

Others may question you. Doubt you. Reject you. In fact, studies show that anything that is considered new or different faces rejection and criticism — and is often ridiculed before it is accepted.

And this is when you often need to believe in yourself the most in order to overcome the irrationality of groupthink.

If you truly believe in what you’re doing — then you’re not doing it for others or what they think about it — you’re doing it because you believe in yourself and the value of what you have to offer.

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

You need to learn to be the source of your own strength and encouragement. Because if you don’t have a deep down belief in yourself and a confidence in your ability to overcome any obstacles along your path, why will anyone else?

It starts with you. And you can do it.

But you don’t need me to tell you that — because deep down, you already know it.

Related:

The awesome power of asking yourself good questions.

November 26, 2019November 15, 2012 by Zero Dean

“At the end of the day, the questions we ask of ourselves determine the type of people that we will become.” — Leo Babauta

In yesterday’s post I talked about how changing “If only” statements into “How can I” questions creates a much more positive mindset that leaves one’s subconscious mind free to search for solutions (instead of creating a mental roadblock).

The manner is which one talks to one’s self is not only important in maintaining a positive attitude, when used correctly, it becomes a powerful tool. For example, how one forms questions they ask themselves can have a serious impact on the answers one gets in return. One of the reasons for this is because your subconscious mind doesn’t care what you ask. And it will automatically try to find that answer to your question. This is great. But because your subconscious mind is a bit like a robot, it also doesn’t care if the answer it provides you is (or isn’t) in your own best interest.

Whatever you choose to ask yourself, your subconscious mind will diligently seek an answer to your question. But because your subconscious mind is a bit like a robot, it also doesn’t care if the answer it provides you is (or isn’t) in your own best interest.

So if you ask it a question in the form of a negative, the answer you get will also be in the form of a negative…

Here are some extremes…

Why can’t I attract the love of my life?
Why can’t I stay in a long-term relationship?
Why don’t people think I’m funny?
Why don’t more people like me?

— and your subconscious mind will answer, “You can’t [do these things] because….”

Because you asked in the form of a negative, the answer you get back is also in the form of a negative.

If you like to beat yourself up or feel drained or powerless in the world, this is a great way to do it. (I don’t suggest that.)

Don’t be fooled, your question doesn’t have to have a “can’t” or a “don’t” in it to be negative.

For example:

Why am I always getting things wrong? (You are always getting things wrong because…)
Why do I keep falling for girls/guys that are bad for me? (You keep falling for people who are bad for you because…)
Heck, I even did it in a blog post: “Why am I not a better person?” (You are not a better person because…)

So if you want to avoid beating yourself up, pay closer attention to your thought process and take charge of it whenever you have a tendency to form a thought in the negative form vs. the positive. (You may recall that this is 1 of 12 ways to find encouragement, “train or retrain your brain”).

So when you are talking to yourself, always remember to ask yourself empowering questions in the form of a positive:

How can I improve areas in my life and get more things right? (You can improve areas in your life by…)
What can I do more of (or less of) to attract the love of my life? (You can attract the love of your life by…)
How do I attract the right girl/guy for me?
How can I be wicked funny like that Zero Dean fellow?
How can I become more likable like that dear, dear, friend of mine, Zero Dean?
What is Zero Dean’s phone number, because I feel like… whoops! Sorry.

Do you see the difference? Or more importantly, do you feel the difference?

Related:

Offsite: You Are Always “Right”

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