No. Happiness is not a choice. Attitude is a choice.
Happiness is not just putting on a fake smile, acting cheerful, and pretending everything is OK.
Sometimes things are not OK. And that’s OK.
That’s life.
Stop for a moment and imagine you’re grieving over having just lost a loved one.
Now imagine someone comes up to you and says, “Happiness is a choice.”
Would you believe it? Would you be able to let go of your grief, shrug your shoulders and say, “Ok, I’ll be happy now” and actually be happy?
Unlikely.
What about depressed people or people who have suffered psychological trauma?
Would you tell a suicidal person that “happiness is a choice” and expect this superficial catchy catchphrase to solve the problem?
Of course not.
Even if attaining a state of happiness was as simple as making a choice, telling someone who isn’t happy that “happiness is a choice” is as about as helpful as teaching someone how to fish by telling them that “there are fish in the sea”.
You teach people to achieve happiness by providing them with the tools necessary to deal with life’s challenges in a positive and productive way.
You teach people to achieve happiness by showing them ways to navigate their mental & physical world in such a way that they can enjoy their journey.
And one of the most effective ways to enjoy one’s journey is to adopt a healthy attitude that allows one to appreciate life experiences regardless of one’s circumstances.
Suggesting that being anything but happy all the time isn’t a healthy way to view life.
Making people feel bad about feeling bad isn’t terribly effective at making people happy either.
The fact is, there is nothing inherently wrong with being unhappy.
“The ability to feel a full range of emotions and different states of being is an important part of the human experience.
It’s ok not to be happy. And in many cases, a large part of personal growth is dependent on recognizing when one is not happy and then actively working through it.”
“It’s ok to have negative emotions. It’s ok to make mistakes. These are an essential part of life and how we learn. But it’s important to not let these things hold us back or lock us into a cycle of self-pity.
Instead, we can use negative emotions and feelings of discontent as the motivation to initiate positive changes in our lives.”
We may not like everything that happens to us in life and we may not always be happy as a result of what happens, but we can always choose our attitude when dealing with it.
A bad attitude inhibits happiness. And when we are happy, a positive attitude accentuates it.
It’s not happiness that’s a choice, it’s attitude.
“We actually have as little choice about wanting to become happy as the heart does about pumping blood. We’re incapable of wanting not to become happy. The pursuit of happiness isn’t merely an inalienable right with which we’re endowed or an activity we’re capable of choosing; it’s psychological law we must obey. Even people who appear to want nothing to do with happiness, like those so immersed in self-hatred that their principle aim becomes self-sabotage, will say they haven’t lost their desire for happiness so much as ceased to believe they deserve it” — Alex Lickerman, MD (From: The Undefeated Mind: On the Science of Constructing an Indestructible Self)
“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” — Groucho Marx
Imagine how hard it would be for someone to be happy if they spent their time:
Focused on their faults, failures & shortcomings (imagined or not).
Focused on feeling miserable.
Dreading the future.
Consuming garbage and then feeling bad about it (or as a result of it).
Isolating themselves from others.
Focused on what they’ve lost or lack in life.
Constantly comparing themselves to those who are more fortunate than they are.
Unable to accept themselves for who they are.
Unable to see their value as a person.
Lacking any sense of purpose.
Always assuming the worst outcome for any situation.
Being cynical of others’ motives without justification.
Making excuses or blaming others for bad behavior.
Acting rudely or without regard to others.
Refusing to try new things or adapt to new situations or environments.
Letting what other people say or think impact their sense of self-worth.
And yet people do this. They consistently do the things that we associate with unhappiness and then wonder why happiness escapes them.
If you want to be happy, don’t make a habit of doing what unhappy people do.
If you want to be happy, it’s important to take steps to do what you might expect happy people would do:
Focus on making the most of what you have.
Focus on what you’re grateful for.
Focus on building and furthering relationships.
Focus on accepting yourself for the work-in-progress that you are.
Focus on the now — this moment — and make it the best it can be. Let the future take care of itself.
Focus on improvement, not perfection.
Focus on truly knowing who you are, what your values are, what you stand for, and the type of person you ultimately want to be.
Focus not on your mistakes, but on the lessons you learn from them.
Have a purpose. Stand for something. Find something to be passionate about.
Focus on not letting people control your feelings or emotions.
Focus on taking responsibility for your life and not blaming others for your well-being.
Don’t live in fear other people’s thoughts or opinions.
Focus on solutions, not problems.
Do more of the things that make you happy.
Show compassion & value the well-being of others.
Act with generosity & maintain an abundance mindset.
Try new things. Learn new skills. Adapt. Say yes to opportunities.
But also remember, it’s ok not to be happy. It’s ok to have negative emotions. It’s ok to make mistakes. These are an essential part of life and how we learn. But it’s important to not let these things hold us back or lock us into a cycle of self-pity.
Instead, we can use negative emotions and feelings of discontent as the motivation to initiate positive changes in our lives.
The more you release yourself from the negatives in your life and let go of the things that are holding you back from being happy, the more you free yourself to adopt a lifestyle that creates an environment that allows for, nurtures, and sustains happiness.
“Refuse to emotionally succumb to the negative events around you and tap your mental toughness to thrive in any environment. The good guy doesn’t always win and justice doesn’t always prevail, but where you direct your mental energy will always determine your attitude and it will always be controlled by you.” — Steve Siebold
Happiness is not a destination, it’s a byproduct of enjoying the journey.
If you are simply passing time or rushing through life waiting to be happy or hoping to reach some magical milestone, you are missing the point of life.
Nor is happiness the absence of problems or challenges in life.
Challenges are an essential part of growth. Every challenge we face and overcome in life provides us with the strength necessary to handle whatever comes next. This means that it’s important to learn to appreciate both the highs and lows of life.
“When you learn to appreciate contrast and accept challenges as learning experiences, you begin to see the value in all life experiences, not just the “good” ones.”
While being happy is something to celebrate, there are some who promote happiness as if any other option isn’t acceptable. As if, if you aren’t happy, there’s something wrong with you. And that simply isn’t true.
The ability to feel a full range of emotions and different states of being is an important part of the human experience.
It’s ok not to be happy. And in many cases, a large part of personal growth is dependent on recognizing when one is not happy and then actively working through it.
“Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation.” — Oscar Wilde
While it is said that, “Inner Peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.” — and it is a skill and state of being everyone is capable of — it is much easier to talk about inner peace than it is to achieve it.
It takes a tremendous amount of mental discipline to achieve a state of mind in which we are unaffected by the negative events around us. And, like having a fit body is a choice and it’s something everyone is capable of, it’s not something most people have. Mental discipline takes practice.
Unless one is a Zen master, creating the expectation that being happy at all times is a simple matter of choice, is to set one’s self up for what will likely be a difficult task. Because the moment something almost inevitably disturbs your state of being — and you suddenly find that you’re not happy — you’ll feel as if there’s something wrong with you.
But it’s ok to feel sadness. It’s ok to feel pain. It’s ok to feel frustration and anger. Again, these feelings are a part of the human experience.
[*While feeling anger, frustration, unhappiness is ok, it’s important to deal with such states in a healthy and productive fashion. And that is beyond the scope of this post. Adopting behaviors that put you or others in harm’s way is not healthy — and if you are inclined to do such things, it is important to seek help.]
Telling someone who has just suffered a tremendous loss to “just be happy”, “happiness is a choice”, and “it’s always darkest before dawn” generally isn’t helpful (at all).
And while it’s ok to want to help people — and it shows you care, it’s also ok to let people work through their issues and to just let them know you are there to support them if they need you.
Feeling things other than happiness are an important part of growth. They lead to changes where we often transition from one level of awareness to another.
So it’s OK not to be happy. Not being in a constant state of happiness is not unhealthy. But it’s important to remember to channel that energy effectively and to not simply dwell on it. Acknowledge it and move on, transitioning to your new beginning.
And as you transition from one level of awareness to another, if you make a conscious effort to practice mental discipline and choose where to focus your mental energy, you may just find the inner peace so many wish they had, but never put in the effort to achieve.
“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.” — Carl Jung
“Refuse to emotionally succumb to the negative events around you and tap your mental toughness to thrive in any environment. The good guy doesn’t always win and justice doesn’t always prevail, but where you direct your mental energy will always determine your attitude and it will always be controlled by you.” — Steve Siebold
Eric: Very good piece. Whole books could be written about what the word ‘happiness’ even means. Probably there already are such books.
But in short, for me, I try to draw a distinction nowadays between being happy and being ‘at peace’ or ‘contented’. I am much more at peace nowadays, but I’m not always ‘happy’. I value peace much more than happiness (although peace is for me often the conduit to happiness).
Zero: Yeah, I agree with you. I think that’s a great distinction. I used to think I knew what happiness was — I had a mental picture of it. But it’s changed. It looks more like contentment and “inner peace”…
Just because you don’t have a smile on your face, doesn’t mean you’re not happy. But just because someone is smiling, doesn’t mean they’re happy.
There’s a sort of congruency and balance that needs to be in place… and that creates a sort of “emotional calm” or satisfaction (I’m not sure what to call it).
And while rushing from one thing to another — to “save time” — may seem like a sensible solution, rushing through our lives — as if it’s only the “highlights” that matter — is to sacrifice the vast majority of the moments that our lives are made up of.
“One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.” — Ida Scott Taylor
Rather than be present in the here and now, aware of our thoughts, our bodies, and our surroundings, we zone out and go through the motions — waiting for the moments that “matter”, not realizing how valuable every one that passes actually is.
Because the truth is, every moment matters when the future is guaranteed to no one.
When we live our lives as if the best things in life are always scheduled at some distant time that we are rushing to get to, we fail to truly experience the here and now.
And as it turns out, staying in the moment tends to yield greater happiness and greater appreciation and gratitude for the individual moments in life than constantly reaching for things that are forever beyond our grasp.
In his Ted Talk, Want to be happier? Stay in the moment (video), Matt Killingsworth says:
“Our ability to focus on something other than the present is an amazing ability it allows us to learn and reason and plan in ways that no other species can.” However, … “People are substantially less happy when their minds wander than when they are not” … “when our minds wander we often think about things which are unpleasant … our worries, our anxieties our regrets.”
Just something to consider the next time you find yourself rushing from one thing to the next without being mindful of the moments already passing.
“No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.” — Alan Watts
You may be hurting. And feeling powerless. And feeling tired. You may be surrounded by people and still feeling alone in the world.
But you will get through this. And you will be stronger because of it.
There are kind people in the world that you don’t even know, who would do anything in their power to help lift you up, if they could. But in order for it to really make a difference, you’re the one who has to do it.
You have something inside of you that is stronger than anything holding you down.
You have to find the strength to focus on what really matters to you. Your loves. Your joys. The things that make you laugh, and smile, and make you want to share it with the world.
You may not always feel like it, but you make a bigger difference in the world than you can possibly imagine. Your smile alone can change someone’s day for the better. And that single day can lead to unimaginable good things in the future.
The ripple effect of a single act of kindness can change an entire life.
You may sometimes feel like the whole world is against you, but it just isn’t true. There are countless people who don’t even know you, but care greatly about you and your well-being. If you’ve ever been smiled at by a complete stranger, then you experienced just a tiny glimpse of this. It may sometimes feel like no one cares, but they do. I promise you — they do.
Life is hard. And it isn’t fair. And it really hurts like hell sometimes. But if you focus on what is within your power to change for the better, you can. And you will.
So please, find a way. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But keep trying.
And while I do agree that “Follow your passion” may be considered “bad career advice” if one chooses to follow it without any bit of common sense — or to follow it without any regard to all the other factors necessary to make a career “successful” — being successful in one’s life can mean any number of different things to different people.
Some people consider their careers successful when they make X amount of money per year. Others measure their success by how many people they are in charge of, or how broad a territory they cover, or how many stores they own. Others aim to leave a legacy behind.
And then there are others still, who consider themselves successful if they are simply able to pursue what they are most passionate about in life while making just enough money to meet their basic needs to afford them the luxury of doing more of what they love.
Alan Watts poses the question (in this video), “What would you like to do if money were no object? How would you really enjoy spending your life?” because to do anything other than that sets you up to, “Spend your life completely wasting your time. You’ll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living, that is to go on doing things you don’t like doing, which is stupid. Better to have a short life that is full of what you like doing than a long life spent in a miserable way.”
I think he makes a very good point. The alternative to not pursuing your passion is to spend a life following a vicious cycle of doing things you don’t want to do to make a living doing things you don’t want to do.
“Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don’t need to escape from.” — Seth Godin
“Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it’s to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential — as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth.
You’ll be told in a hundred ways, some subtle and some not, to keep climbing, and never be satisfied with where you are, who you are, and what you’re doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out, and I guarantee you’ll hear about them.
To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.” – Bill Watterson
As such, I don’t think “Follow your passion” is bad career advice at all. And if one is simply looking for a problem with it, as the Huffington Post appears to be, then I would say that problem — if you can call it that — is simply this:
It isn’t complete career advice. It’s only a single step in a larger process.
Step 1, of course, is to discover what it is you are passionate about.
This isn’t necessarily as simple as it sounds. There may be many things you like to do, but nothing that you are particularly passionate about. There is a big difference between simply enjoying something and being so into it at times that doing anything else feels like a distraction. Eating, sleeping, bathing? They can wait!
While a rare few know exactly what they want to do from a very early age, most don’t discover the things we are truly passionate about until they stumble upon them. And then, whatever it may be, the process of doing it becomes enthralling.
“Many people fail to find their passion because they either fail to search methodically or search persistently. Some will simply not commit the time and energy to a search that can often be frustrating. In fact, they want their “destiny” to find them; they do not want to find it themselves. You cannot find your passion idly staring into space, hoping for it to appear as a revelation, from one book, article, blog posting or casual conversation.” — Larry Smith
Discovering what you are truly passionate about is important is because people who truly love what they do tend to want to do it to the best of their ability and continually find ways to improve — all the while enjoying the process.
“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do.” — Steve Jobs
Step 2, after discovering your passion is to pursue that passion and hone your skills. All the while keeping the third step of this process in mind:
Step 3, is to use your passion and skills to create something that others desire and will pay for.
Because unless your passion fulfills a need, you can work night and day and never do enough to generates a sustainable income, let alone a viable career.
This is why it can be to your benefit to not quit your day job (as I did, for example) while you are still in the process of discovering how your passion will generate income.
“Doing what you love is as important as ever, but if you’re going to make a living at it, it helps to find a niche where money flows as a regular consequence of the success of your idea. Loving what you do is almost as important as doing what you love, especially if you need to make a living at it. Go find a job you can commit to, a career or a business you can fall in love with.” — Seth Godin
Neil deGrasse Tyson and Neil Gaiman Describe Vision & Brilliance
“If everyone had the luxury to pursue a life of exactly what they love, we would all be ranked as visionary and brilliant. … If you got to spend every day of your life doing what you love, you can’t help but be the best in the world at that. And you get to smile every day for doing so. And you’ll be working at it almost to the exclusion of personal hygiene, and your friends are knocking on your door, saying, “Don’t you need a vacation?!,” and you don’t even know what the word “vacation” means because what you’re doing is what you want to do and a vacation from that is anything but a vacation — that’s the state of mind of somebody who’s doing what others might call visionary and brilliant.” — Neil deGrasse Tyson
“You have to be burning with “an idea, or a problem, or a wrong that you want to right.” If you’re not passionate enough from the start, you’ll never stick it out.” — Steve Jobs
