Not everyone will understand your journey. That’s fine. It’s not their journey to make sense of. It’s yours.
Author | Photographer | CG Artist | Filmmaker
If you lie (or simply present an exaggeration as the “truth”) to make a point or to “win” an argument, it not only invalidates your argument, it destroys your credibility.
“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
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“Emotional reasoning is a cognitive process that occurs when a person believes that what he or she is feeling is true regardless of a presented evidence.” — Wikipedia
Believe it or not, direct communication, and not making guesses or assumptions — no matter how right you think you are — is still the most reliable way to get accurate information on why someone has chosen to act (or not act) a certain way.
Leaps of logic with regard to others’ motivation are often prone to being inaccurate when one is working with only personal experience or a limited amount of information.
If you want to know the when, what, or why behind something someone did or is doing, many times all you have to do is ask.
Never underestimate the power of clear, open, honest, and direct communication as a means to establish or perpetuate long-lasting and rewarding relationships.
As it is often a lack of these things that ultimately cause relationships to fail.
Don’t fill in the blanks for things you don’t know the true answers to with negative things that you convince yourself are the truth.
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Don’t fool yourself into thinking that being busy or having a full schedule is the same thing as living life to the fullest. It’s not.
Being busy is easy.
Prioritizing your time in a way that allows you maximize your experiences and truly enrich your life and allow for personal growth is not.
Having a full schedule is not the same thing as living life to the fullest. It’s not even close.
What you spend your time doing matters.
Intention matters.
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“No one has ever made himself great by showing how small someone else is.” — Irvin Himmel
With our limited perspectives, we often have very little understanding of what other people are truly thinking or what motivated them to act in the way that they did. We only have our interpretation.
Remember, we judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their actions.
“Regardless of whether the outcome of an action is considered “good” or “bad”, everyone does things for reasons they consider reasonable at the time.”
As such, it is important to exercise restraint when one feels the urge to criticize people.
Remember, what one says when they talk about other people reveals a considerable amount about the person doing the talking.
If you must talk about people, talk about what you learned from the experience and use that to teach others how to beware of similar situations.
Let others make up their own mind as to how to use the knowledge and insight you share.
What you observe with other people isn’t always true. But what you learn from experiences with other people can’t be disputed.
We all make mistakes. It’s what we learn from ours and others experiences that’s important, not energy spent criticizing others.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” — Ian Maclaren *
*This is in regard to personal relationships, not evil companies or individuals who exist to simply take advantage of people.
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A lie is still a lie even when you use it to comfort someone. Tell the truth, even if it hurts.
This has nothing to do with deliberately hurting someone or offering unsolicited feedback. This is about being honest & telling the truth in the course of a conversation and relationship.
If you have a problem with “Tell the truth, even if it hurts”, then know that what you’re essentially saying is that it’s okay for people to lie to you, as long as the lie appeals to your ego and sense of worth.
If you want to build a relationship based on false beliefs and miscommunication, then lying to a person because it makes them feel better — or makes you feel better about yourself — is an excellent way to accomplish this.
Not only is this not an open or honest way to communicate, it is one of the reasons why so many friendships and marriages fail. Because rather than truly address and resolve issues, friends or couples choose to cover them up with “little white lies.”
Liar:
Note how it doesn’t say anything about the size of the lie or whether it makes someone feel better.
“But they can’t handle the truth!”
Right. So catering to someone’s weakness and lying becomes acceptable? Is this how you would want someone to treat you in the same situation? You would prefer that they fill your head with a lie rather than tell you the truth? And you think that’s what real friends do?
Real friendships are built on honesty and trust.
Real friends don’t have to agree on everything or like all the same things to get along. Real friends will give each other shit and it doesn’t matter. Why? Because of trust.
Real friends are not afraid of talking to each other when something is wrong. Real friends know that they can always count on each other when it matters (it always matters).
Real friendship doesn’t involve appealing to the other person’s weaknesses or ego by lying.
Lying to people to comfort them is not the answer. We need people to be stronger rather than cater to their weaknesses. Remember, no one can make you feel bad without your consent.
Yes, there is a time and a place for all conversations. And no, not saying anything is not the same thing as blatantly lying, but not saying something or leaving out details (the whole truth) can be a form of lying.
Sometimes the answer to improving relationships isn’t to talk more or pretend to be more interested. Sometimes it’s simply to be truly honest and open.
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*Supplemental:
A) “What do you think about my [horrid] outfit?”
It’s not really my cup of tea, but if you like it, that’s all that really matters…
B) “Do you think this shirt makes me look fat?”
I think there are other outfits that might look better on you…
C) “Don’t you just love this new thing I got?”
I can’t say I love it like you do, but I’m glad it makes you happy.
D) “Do you love me?”
*yawn* Oh gosh, look at the time… hey, is that a giant mutant radioactive squirrel in the yard!? O_O
See. You don’t have to lie.
I’m not saying these are the best responses, but if you are truly friends with someone, there is nothing in these statements that should be considered offensive while getting the point across without lying.
But what’s even better is if you have a relationship where you can say:
A) Gawd, that outfit is ghastly.
B) You look like an elephant, but I still love you.
C) I have no idea why you bought that, but hey, we all have our things.
D) Naw, I don’t love you, I’m just here cause you have cable.
Because if you can get away with that, you probably have yourself a real friend.
“You just want attention.”
People say this as if it’s inherently bad. It’s not. There is nothing wrong with wanting attention.
Attention is the basis of all marketing and advertising. Attention is what can make or break a product or company. Attention is what every good cause desires.
And if the price of a 30 second Superbowl ad is any indication —
— attention is extremely valuable.
The important part about attention is not so much in wanting it as much as where and what you choose to direct the attention to. Motivation matters.
There is a huge difference between desiring attention solely for your own personal benefit (and ego), and wanting attention in order to have a positive influence on the world at large.
Sadly, many of the people getting the attention — see the tabloid rack or any reality TV show, for example — don’t. And it’s disgusting.
I have a memorable name and an interesting story, and I would be a fool not to use it (where applicable), but I have no interest in fame.
My only real interest in money, beyond just meeting my basic needs (or the needs of my family when I have one), is as a resource to have a larger impact…
With one exception…
I also want to bring back the dinosaurs in order to create a giant dinosaur theme park.
But that’s IT!
*And if I still have your attention, please check out these great people, pages, causes, and companies I’ve helped put a spotlight on in the past. These people would love your attention, too.
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“Is there anything I can do to help?” is a magical question.
Sometimes people have a difficult time asking for help (they are either not comfortable with it or simply don’t know how to ask without appearing selfish or needy). And sometimes people are so independent they don’t even think to ask for it.
And whether or not someone takes you up on your offer, simply asking if you can help is a supportive gesture to show that the person you are offering to help matters to you.
Helping others is not only a great way to build friendships and improve relationships, it can also improve a person’s day, project, or experience beyond measure.
Never feel bad for offering to help someone and they decline your offer (for any reason). Some people are also not very good at recognizing the intention or the thoughts behind a supportive gesture.
Helping people is awesome.
Followup:
From a comment: Better yet, don’t even ask. Just do.
Zero:
Sometimes people don’t look like they could use the help — so it’s not obvious how to help. But by asking, it helps answer the question.
I am one of those people who has a difficult time asking for help. I’m very independent. I feel that if I can do it myself, even if it takes me longer, then I should probably just do it myself. And I also don’t like to appear needy. (Hey, we all have our “things”.)
So when someone asks me if there is anything they can do to help, it can help me get over that “hump”. It also opens up a dialogue that can help strengthen a friendship or relationship.
While there is never anything wrong with trying to help people, there are times when people would rather do “it” themselves than have someone else do “it” for them.
And there are times when people will actually take offense at you doing something for them that they can/want to do themselves. While I don’t think taking offense at helpful gestures is the right thing to do, this is also why I think asking can be helpful (in those cases).
There are also times when we think the best way to help is by offering “advice”, but advice isn’t always the thing that’s truly wanted or most helpful. Especially advice that is given in a “this is what I would do” way, without regard to the context of a person’s journey. Because even our best advice that might help most people, doesn’t necessarily work with all people (the square pegs in the round holes, for example).
And there are times when we think we’re being “helpful”, when we’re really not. Such as when someone tells us they’re depressed, so we say, “Cheer up!” or “It’s always darkest before dawn!” (these things sound nice, but are not particularly helpful to a depressed person).
I think Allie Brosh in her Depression Part 2 post covers that exceptionally well.
“My fish are dead.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll help you find them. Are there any clues where they went?”
“I know where they are. The problem is, they aren’t alive any more.”
“Let’s keep looking! I’m sure they’ll turn up somewhere.”
When people don’t understand the real issue, they tend to offer advice that doesn’t fit the context of the situation. So again, helping people without asking can sometimes lead one down different path than the recipient of the “help” wants to go.
That said, I totally understand the sentiment. I do open and hold doors for people. Or try to find ways to help people when I can (especially when they are obvious). For example, every creative type could nearly always use a hand getting more exposure. People who write stuff like love to be acknowledged. That sort of thing.
See also: Is there anything I can do to help (if so, contact me)
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We’ve all run across people who seem to take pleasure in finding flaws in others’ work. And then they seem genuinely surprised when the recipient isn’t overjoyed at their feedback.
But this shouldn’t surprise anyone. Finding faults, picking things apart or complaining about things — even if one attempts to do it in a funny way (which most often comes off as mocking) — is one of the easiest things to do.
Some people seem to make a sport of it…
“I found a problem with that quote you shared. It doesn’t apply to every.situation.ever!”
Really? A person’s words taken out of context of the larger whole — and shared for the wisdom or implied lesson within — don’t apply to every conceivable situation? What a surprise.
So rather than acknowledge or consider any inherent wisdom — or the general essence of what is being expressed — you would rather point out or make a joke about how something doesn’t apply to every situation?
People who do this are missing (or ignoring) the point in order to give themselves the false impression that they are being clever or adding something of value. But where is the value in that?
Problem finding generally takes very little creativity, cleverness, originality, effort, or risk.
Other the hand, it is much more difficult to create something new or to improve upon an existing idea. It is much more difficult and courageous to be a creator.
“Creativity takes courage.” — Henri Matisse
The next time you or someone you’re with thinks they’re adding something of value or being clever by poking holes in something, ask this question:
“How can I make this better?”
Answers to that question are helpful.
Finding a way in which an established quote doesn’t make sense in every case, isn’t particularly helpful. Drawing attention to the fact that a quote is wrongly attributed to someone, is.
If you can find a way to improve upon an existing idea or creation, it’s not only clever, it will likely be much more well received than criticism and feedback that is often made at someone else’s expense.
We’ve all seen how sides of the government will find flaws in the opposing side’s proposals, but then fail to come up with any real solutions of their own. This doesn’t help anyone.
Want to be helpful and add value, find ways to make something better by asking yourself how that would be possible.
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It is sometimes important to remember that we are not only responsible for what we say when we speak, we are also responsible for how we say it.
The volume at which one says things and the tone in which they say them are always controlled by the individual.
Your voice is always a choice.
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