How to tell when someone just wants to fight

How to tell when someone just wants to fight:

  • Rather than talk about the issue, they talk about you.
  • Rather than actively move towards a peaceful resolution, they turn you into the opposition.
  • Rather than it be “us vs. the problem”, it becomes “me vs. you.”
  • Rather than take what you say at face value, they choose to twist or misinterpret what you say to meet their own needs.
  • They will accuse you of being defensive when you are simply stating facts or your opinion.
  • They will tell you what you think, put words in your mouth, or provide their own justification for your actions.
  • They will tell you what good things they used to think about you before telling you they don’t feel that way anymore.
  • They will tell you how much you disappoint them.
  • They will try to bully you into apologizing and saying you’re sorry.
  • They will recruit others to do all of the above.
  • And as you communicate, things get progressively worse, despite your efforts at working towards peace.

If someone uses the above techniques in a “conversation”, that’s not called being open minded or “working things out”. That’s called trying to “win” through submission.

And the fact is, no matter what the outcome is, there are no winners.

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Emotional reasoning

“Emotional reasoning is a cognitive process that occurs when a person believes that what he or she is feeling is true regardless of a presented evidence.” — Wikipedia

Believe it or not, direct communication, and not making guesses or assumptions — no matter how right you think you are — is still the most reliable way to get accurate information on why someone has chosen to act (or not act) a certain way.

Leaps of logic with regard to others’ motivation are often prone to being inaccurate when one is working with only personal experience or a limited amount of information.

If you want to know the when, what, or why behind something someone did or is doing, many times all you have to do is ask.

Never underestimate the power of clear, open, honest, and direct communication as a means to establish or perpetuate long-lasting and rewarding relationships.

As it is often a lack of these things that ultimately cause relationships to fail.

Don’t fill in the blanks for things you don’t know the true answers to with negative things that you convince yourself are the truth.

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