Looks like you’re wondering about my name, right? I mean, it couldn’t possibly be Zero, could it? Noooo.
Who would name their child “Zero”. That’s not a name (ok, maybe it’s a pet’s name), that’s a number!
Well, I’ve got news for your, my friend, so prepare to have your mind blown…
Yes. Yes it is.
And yes, it is, in fact, on my birth certificate. And no, you can’t see it.
Why not? Because I said so.
But come on — did you seriously think I chose “Zero” to be “cool”?
Because I agree — it is cool — but I didn’t pick it.
So yeah — with all the numbers my parents had to choose from (I’m not sure how many that is (I could never finish counting), but I’m sure it was a lot!) — I was lucky enough to get “Zero” before all the cool kids did.
Ok, so maybe it’s not quite as cool of a sounding number-for-a-name like:
- or even “Two thousand, two hundred and twenty two”
But you know what? I’m ok with that.
In fact, I love it. (Remember this — it’s going to come up again.)
Not content with the oddity of having an incredibly unusual first name, life saw fit to bestow me with two middle names. Yes, two. (As if “Zero” just wasn’t enough!)
“Zachariah” is my first middle name. And “Batzell” is the second.
As you can see, there are a lot of “Z’s” in my name. Three “Z’s” to be exact (for those keeping track — Yes, you will be quizzed later).
I always love when people say something intended to be cool like, “You think I’m dangerous, baby? Danger is my middle name!”.
Sure, it works when your name is “John ‘Danger’ Doe”. It doesn’t work so well for “Zero ‘Danger’ Dean”.
Zero Danger? Jeez, I can’t even be intimidating!
I’m also fond of “Your Grace”, but I don’t want you to think I have a huge ego or anything. Unless you think that’s cool — in which case, I HAVE A HUGE EGO!
But seriously, as far as formalities go, if you can help it, please refrain from calling me “Mr. Dean”. That’s my Dad.
So if you say “Mr. Dean” anywhere near me, I’m going to look around and wonder if my dad is nearby. Besides, we’re friends, right? No need for formalities!
Having gone by “Zero Z. Batzell Dean” for years, 2001 marked the year where I finally did something intelligent and streamlined my name to what it is now, “Zero Dean”.
“Why?”, you ask. Well, maybe it was the result of trying to reduce the cramping in my hand every time I signed autographs (um, I mean my signature). Or maybe I finally realized that my first name is challenging enough for most people!
At one time I had this fear that if I continued to give an explanation to everyone who asked, I would look back on my life as an old man and realize I’d spent 1/3 of it explaining my name.
Granted, that still leaves 3/4 of my life for cool stuff — like learning fractions (I still haven’t gotten around to that) — but still, for a guy that wants to maximize his life by truly living it, I didn’t think spending that much time explaining my name was gonna be in my own best interest.
So to make things easier on myself, I occasionally adopt “Dean” as my first name to avoid having to provide an explanation. But it’s ok, because I’m a ninja — and that’s the sort of thing ninjas do. Although, that sort of sounds more like what secret agents do…hmmm.
My friends often stand by and laugh when I do the name switch, but it really does make such things as ordering pizza or dealing with the public a lot easier.
Of course, I’m “Zero” when I don’t mind the extra attention. But I mean, when would I eeeeverrrr want that? ;)
Many people have a difficult time believing it is actually my name and jokingly require proof (ID please?). Others simply think they heard it wrong, “I’m sorry, what was that?”.
And yet others will simply nod and smile, as if there’s nothing unusual about it at all. But I know what they’re really thinking is:
“You know — it almost sounded to me like he said his name was Zero! Hmmm — I could ask him to repeat what he said, but then I’d look uncool!”
I’m actually pretty confident that most people who just nod and smile when they hear my name are just trying to maintain a certain degree of “cool” by not asking me to repeat myself.
Have you ever had someone (usually a person you are not familiar with) tell you something, but you don’t think you hear them right, so you say “What?”
And they repeat it, and you still don’t think you hear them right, so again you say “What?”
And again, you get the same response? And by this third time, you’re too embarrassed to ask again, so you just nod and smile?
Has that ever happened to you?
Mhm. I thought so!
Well, “Zero” is like the condensed version of that.
Anyway — while most people consider my name unusual (to varying degrees) when they learn what it is, folks who use it a few times often comment on how “normal” it seems after a while.
And then shortly after that, they often realize (and admit) how cool it is to have such a unique name.
Occasionally some people do have a difficult time with it.
I guess they’ve learned to associate the word “zero” with something derogatory so they consider it an insult to call me by my real name.
Some have even refused to do it.
I once met a girl who told me her family once adopted a dog named “Zero”, but they felt so bad calling the dog that, that they changed its name!
And speaking of dogs named Zero — when I met Jamie Hyneman from Mythbusters (there’s a photo around here somewhere), I introduced myself as “Zero”. And he said, “That’s my dog’s name.” — and his dog, the one named Zero, was actually with him.
It’s ok Jamie, we can still be friends. ;)
Maybe it was the way I drooled.
But seriously — that’s not it. At least, that’s what I’d like to believe wasn’t it.
I mean, I’m an excellent drooler — even to this day.
But I digress!
Naming me “Zero” was Mom’s responsibility — and I’m actually glad! I will not admit in public what my biological father (they got divorced when I was 3) wanted to call me. And no, that’s not the reason they got divorced.
Or maybe it is — I don’t know that for a fact. I just assume it’s not.
If you want to send me a nice bit of email and ask me what the name my bioFather wanted to call me, I might tell you — but you’ll have to be super nice. Sending money or swimsuit photos (if you’re a woman — and I suppose I should also add, “and you look good in a bikini”) probably wouldn’t hurt either (come on, I’m practically baring my soul here on this page — so I’m just being honest).
Needless to say, I assure you that despite giving me a name that means “loser” in some languages (mainly English slang), my mother loves me very much (at least she’s told me so on occasion). And so nothing negative at all was intended by it (or perhaps she really was just trying to make me feel better — who can really say? I cannot read my mother’s mind!).
In any case, by the time I came about in the 70’s, they were still very much into the — uh — “hippie groove”, man. And if you know your hippie history — and I am sure you do — this was a time when a lot of parents were naming their children unusual things.
I could’ve easily been named “Sako“, or “Peace”, or “Rainbow”, or “Dweezil”, or “Moon Unit” or “Flaming Unicorn Horn!” or something — but instead, I got Zero.
I don’t think my Mom ever considered what the consequences (for me) might be… Or maybe she did.
They say unusual names build character. I don’t know if that’s true. Do I have character? DO I? DOOOOO I?
Here are some of the things she mentioned as having an influence in my naming:
- The Native American beliefs of the “circle of life” or the “medicine wheel”
- Zero as in “absolute balance”… (The center of an infinite number system between positive and negative. A powerful place to be.)
- The actor/comedian “Zero Mostel” (A.k.a. Samuel Joel Mostel. Press agent Ivan Black gave the starting out Mostel the nickname Zero: “After all, here’s a guy who’s starting from nothing.”)
- The title of a Bob Dylan song, “Love Minus Zero”
- It’s unique
Are you surprised? You shouldn’t be — I even said I loved it up at the top! Pay attention.
For me, one of the good things about it is that it’s memorable. :) Though sometimes this can create complications, since I don’t always remember other people’s names. So you can imagine people walk up to me and greet me by name and I haven’t a clue what their name is. Ugh.
I’m still prompted to provide an explanation every time I’m introduced to someone (which has its ups and downs).
I’ve pretty much learned to avoid giving my actual name over the phone when trying to order food for delivery, etc. :) (Fortunately, my last name is also a first name, so I typically give that one instead. It works).
Sure, Junior High was a little difficult at times. Kids can be ruthless… but you know what, kids pick on anything and everything. My name just happened to be an easy target. At least I didn’t have big ears! ;)
However, I’ve had a lot of nicknames in my time
- “Zee” or “Z”
- “Frank” (ok, I’m kidding with that last one — just seeing if you’re paying attention like I told you to) — but actually, the nickname that has stuck most in the past couple of years is, believe it or not, “Jimmy”.
Think about it — James Dean — Zero Dean — Jimmy. You see the connections here?
“What’s that, your IQ?” (that one’s pretty easy)
“Your parents didn’t think you would amount to anything, did they?” (or variations thereof)
(The unintentional insult) : “Well, I just don’t feel comfortable calling you Zero. Is there anything else I can call you?”
(Unintentionally insulting after hearing my name) : “I’m sorry!” (that’s not a “Sorry?” with a question mark to signify they didn’t hear me. That’s a “sorry!” with an exclamation point to signify that they’re sorry for my “misfortune”).
My personal favorite: “Zero? Why don’t you get a real number for a name?”
Want a brief glimpse into my world?
And also imagine what listening to a car advertisement on TV or radio sounds like to me:
Mitsubishi is proud to announce our Mike percent financing for Mike down for MIKE months sales drive! That’s right, MIKE PERCENT FINANCING for MIKE DOWN for MIKE months. We’re calling it our MIKE MIKE for MIKE sales drive!
The midwest is experience records lows this month, temperatures have dropped down to 20 below Mike! That’s 10 degrees lower than average for this time of year.
Conversation overheard at the mall: “Oh man, that girl is sooo hot. What are the chances that girl would go out with me if I went up and asked her?” Answer: “MIKE!”
Have you noticed all the products with Mike in the name or on the label? There’s Coke Mike, Sprite Mike, and all kinds of fat free products… you know, with like Mike fat!
And every single math class I ever had…you cannot imagine (but think about it anyway). There’s really nothing quite like having someone say your name every 30 seconds for an hour.
And how about those products with “zero aftertaste”. Zero aftertaste? I don’t even want to think about that!
Fortunately, there is a skateboarding company called Zero Skateboards that produces all kinds of great things with my name on them. So I pick and choose what I like and wear that.
So yes — you, too can be just like me and own your very own ZERO hat or t-shirt or hoodie or belt!
I wrote to Zero Skateboards once — I mean, it seemed like the thing to do — and introduced myself. Mentioned my name was Zero. How I bought a lot of their stuff and regularly advertised it to over 13,000 people.
All they had to do was reply. That would’ve been enough for me.
And now I hope they ban skateboarding EVERYWHERE!
(Just kidding about the banning part).