My Online Dating Profiles

So if you’ve ever tried online dating, it becomes pretty obvious that if your profile is more than 300 characters, the chances are good that only a rare few are going to read it — and that’s only after you pass (what I call) the “photo stereotype and attractiveness test”.

That said, when people do take the time to read my profiles, they often send me positive reviews on my writing — and sometimes only on my writing.

My latest profile has been most successful in piquing women’s interest. It’s also my most honest and upfront.

And, uh gentlemen, these are not for you — unless you want to see the personality one can put into their profiles. Otherwise, nothing to see here. Run along.

My latest profile:

[ And if this looks familiar -- I actually wrote this profile and then decided I liked the intro enough to replace what used to be on the front page of my web site here. ]

Fed up with the status quo, I quit my job, terminated my lease, and sold everything to embark on my current journey…

I wanted to challenge myself, live beyond my comfort zone, and make myself more visible to my “fashionably late mate”.

That was over 650 days ago. And in that time, I’ve criss-crossed the country on an incredible & inspiring (I’m told) journey looking for love, adventure, and stories to tell. It has completely turned my world on its side.

It’s been an amazing and transformative experience — which I write about and share with an audience. Yeah, I have “fans” — it’s weird, but it’s nice having people root for me.

When will I stop? To be honest, I’ve had my fill of this solo adventure, but I can’t “stop” until I have an “ending” to my story.

But if you’re “her” and I finally meet you — then that’s about as beautiful a finish as I could hope for.

All this is either going to scare you away (I get it!) — or intrigue you (I’m aiming for the latter).

It’s crazy, daring & unconventional, but it’s also the sort of thing they make movies about — and this could just be one of the most romantic true stories ever.

I’m not the best looking man in the world, but I’ve been told I’m charming and charismatic — you won’t get that from a photo. And I’m really difficult to stereotype — be it from my profession, hobbies, or photos — I don’t fit in a box.

I take pride in NOT being ordinary, average, or 1 dimensional — BUT I also don’t think I’m better than anyone else. I’m probably guilty of being confident, yes — but arrogant? No, I hope not. I’d hate to find out I’m “that guy” — I don’t EVER want to be “that guy” — he’s a jerk.

This is getting long, but before I wrap up I want to point out a few things that are important to me…

INTEGRITY. It’s very important to me. I could write a book on this, but I’m sure someone else already has, so I’ll spare you.

While I think “core values compatibility” (sorry — that sounds super nerdy) is important, I’m not looking for a “match”. I think the best relationships are those in which couples fit together like pieces of a puzzle — where they complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses & help each other grow and learn. I want that.

Health & fitness is an important part of my life. Ideally, it’s an important part of my “match’s” life also. I think fit women are sexy and I’d LOVE a workout/play partner — be it in the gym or out.

I’m open minded — I can (and do) get along with most people. And I think anything can be fun depending on how you do it and who you do it with. I’m all about living life to the fullest — so if there’s something you like to do or simply want to try, I’ll try it.

I hope to find a woman without children. Not because I don’t love kids — I do — and I always somehow turn into the “kid magnet” at get togethers. I look forward to having children — but that’s the thing, I’d like to meet someone and go through that experience of being a first-time parent _with_ them. That said, I won’t rule out dating anyone with kids — if we make an amazing team.

There’s more, but this is just a taste anyway. And if you made it this far down, thank you.

I’ll leave you with this:

Whether it’s online dating or in real life, the right person will come along when the time is right! So if you’re almost fed up with looking — or you’ve had a series of awful dates — DON’T LOSE HOPE! Random GOOD things happen to people ALL the time!

EVERYTHING we experience in life helps prepare us for the next thing and CONTRAST IS GOOD! So a “bad date” definitely gives you something to appreciate when a truly can’t-stop-smiling-about-it one comes along.

And even if we date once – and nothing more I hope I can be one of the guys that can at least give you a fun memory or new friendship.

Sadly, this box still says almost nothing about me, but I’m optimistic that it will resonate with the person it was intended for – IF THAT MIGHT BE YOU, COME SAY HI.

Greetings potential applicant!

First, I cannot confirm nor deny that I am a secret agent. But let’s just say, hypothetically speaking, that if I was, I might be looking for a secret agent partner. So let’s just run with that…

As all great partners do, we would, of course, need to have great chemistry — often able to tell what the other is thinking with only so much as a wink and a smile. Or maybe a twitchy eyebrow and a crazy & totally inappropriate cackle (or is that just me?). But if mind reading doesn’t work, then talking is always a good “Plan B” (note, a good agent always has a “Plan B”).

This partner I am (hypothetically!) looking for would be smart, open minded & have a great sense of humor (in fact, she might be wearing a smile right now!). She would also have an inclination towards adventure and the (quite possibly unrealized) desire to live a remarkable life.

Trust me, dull & boring is overrated! Momma always said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.” Then she packed up, left home, and we never saw her again (Ok, that’s not true!).

So now that I just lied to you (It’s ok, it’s part of the test, you’ll see), it’s important to note that trust, honesty & good communication between secret agents is vital. Additionally, quick wits & independent thinking definitely come in handy, too! As do catchy one liners like, “Chill out” just before you spill ice-water on a bad guy.

And if you are skilled at witty banter, and if witty banter actually weighed anything, then witty banter would definitely be worth its weight in gold. But it doesn’t, so it isn’t, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t desirable!

As an active agent, you’ll need to be in fair physical condition to keep up. If you’re not in fair physical condition, then the idea of getting in shape probably appeals to *part of you (*the out of shape part!).

Though, technically, if you’re fair game for having fun, you don’t have to be an “athlete”, or even very coordinated really (you might just be the “comedic sidekick” that everyone laughs at, I mean with!, when you trip!).

Being the adventurous type, you probably take pleasure in having new experiences, learning new skills, or occasionally doing things differently. If you’ve ever ordered dessert first, breakfast for dinner, taken the long way home (on purpose), or turned down a road just to see where it led to, that qualifies!

And in whatever setting or circumstances you find yourself, you’re quite likely to stay positive, solution-oriented, and make the most of what you have (the secret agent term for that is “resourceful”). And you mustn’t cry (much) when I always beat you at boardgames. To quote Tom Hanks, “There’s no crying in”…boardgames. (Yes, secret agents play boardgames).

Your Secret Agent Aptitude Test results (you took your SAATs, right?) probably indicate that you enjoy the occasional formal function as well as appreciate traveling to both local & exotic destinations.

The results also probably show that you’re thoughtful, affectionate & considerate of others. And you likely appreciate spontaneity, creativity, and nice surprises.

Sure, you might think I was absolutely crazy for putting the bed in front of the TV in the living room & pretending “we’re at a hotel!” for a night, but you’d also find it cute, funny & fun and would probably be willing to play along. Except, now that I’ve mentioned it, it would have to be something totally different (but equally interesting).

And finally, while having a fair number of things in common is great, it’s actually our differences and combined skills that help us grow & learn from each other (as well as help get us out of predicaments).

Sooooo… hypothetically speaking, if I was looking for a partner, and if you found this somewhat amusing, intriguing, or appreciate originality or creativity, then you’d probably want to get in touch (as this profile was written just for you)

Confident. Kind. Fun. Friendly. Intelligent. Self-aware. These are just a few words [but hey, at least I spelled them correctly].

So I took a personality test recently — Wait, I know what you’re thinking, and no, I’m not gay! As much as I hate to admit it — apparently not that much! — I’ve never seen such a fitting description of myself [with notes!]…

“You are an EXPLORER/director [it's true!]

You love adventure, both intellectual and physical [also true!]. And you greet new challenges with passion [check!] and bravery [Ummm, ok. Though some might call it sheer stupidity! And I'm like Indiana Jones, not such a big fan of snakes!].

When you get interested in a project, you can become extremely focused on it [Key word being "can", I think]. You complete it carefully and thoroughly, often with great originality [Awww, thank you! You are like my favorite personality test evaaaar at this point!].

And because you have a lot of energy and tend to be enthusiastic about your ideas, inventions, and projects (OMG! Did you know PB&Banana&Raisin sandwiches taste just like chocolate!!!?], you can be very persuasive [I can? I mean, ahem, of course I can!].

You tend to like to collect things, experiences or ideas [not so much "things", but 2 out of 3 aint bad!]. And you are eager to make an impact on those around you, as well as the wider world. [Yes, I am like a meteor of a man!]

Although you enjoy people and can be charming and humorous [uh huh, but where are you going with this?], you are not very interested in routine social engagements or boring people [oh, ok! True!]. You are comfortable being by yourself, pursuing your own interests [It's like you're reading my mind!].

People probably call you a non-conformist, an original [How did you know!?]. You like to have good conversations on important topics [True! But I like good conversations on non-important topics, too! Why discriminate!?]. People tend to admire you for your innovativeness [They do? Who are these people? I want names! Blast you personality test, will I never know!?]. You make an exciting companion [I DO!].”

And then it was over!

But I assure you, there is a lot more to me than that [yes, there is!]. Wow, I kind of like this whole system of commenting on things [yes, I do!]. Fantastic!

I would love to meet someone who thinks the above sounds good [true!]! Someone who is fit and lives a healthy lifestyle [true!].

And someone playful, with a great sense of humor, and an equally great sense of adventure [true!].

If any of this sounds interesting, please don’t hesitate to drop me a line.

–

Sadly, text above still says almost nothing about me, but I’m optimistic that it will “connect” with the person it was intended for — call it “intuition”. If it does — write to me. And if you act now, I’ll even throw in some “kitten mittons”.

If I bought my friends a round of drinks in an effort to get them to say nice things about me, they’d most likely tell you that I’m fun, friendly, intelligent, attractive, and balanced… well, they might use totally different words, but I know that’s what they’d be trying to say! And, of course, I’d say, “Oh stop it! You guys are embarrassing me! …but please, do go on!”

After another round, they’d probably tell you that I’m funny (not that they always get my jokes), adventurous, playful, spontaneous, and that I appear to do well at anything I set my mind to (at least they’d think I think that…probably because I always beat ‘em at board games).

Of course, this is when they’d also notice that my drink has just arrived with all kinds of fruit in it and, *GASP!*, is that whipped cream? They’d begin to interrogate me about whether I’m a “real man” (I was the last time I checked) and if I have a lower back tattoo (no). I’d respond with a distracting: “3rd round of drinks, on me guys! Now, where were we?”

At this point they’d probably bless me for my “fruitiness” and express (in their own way) how my drink is probably a reflection of my “confidence” and “sense of adventure”.

Depending on their alcohol tolerance level, the lightweights (which I am one, myself) might even begin to ramble on about how I enjoy being active, the outdoors, that I’m kind of a geek (but come on, intelligence is sexy), and HOT DAMN!, I actually get paid to be creative for a living!

And then when they’d probably had too much to drink, they might start mumbling about “Not undershtanding (burrrp) why a nice guy like me is shingle” (despite having already explained my doubts that a bar is a good place to meet a quality date and that I’ve yet to have a chance encounter at Costco that sparks a love affair with anything but a good deal).

…And finally, they might observe that: I’m emo-shun-ally shtable, shensitive, a priddy good lishener (hiccup) & communikacator, a loyal FFFFrrriend, a ferrreee shpirit, I don’t take life too sheeriously [hiccup!] and I keep things in pershpective…(hiccup!)…then I’d probably drive ‘em all home and none of ‘em would remember any of the nice things they said, but they’d all be true.

What I’m looking for…

I’m looking for something remarkable, a great connection & chemistry on multiple levels, but without pressure & expectations.

Someone who’s not afraid to go after what they want. Someone who believes that honesty, openness, trust, and communication are keys to a successful relationship. Someone who’s generally happy, optimistic, emotionally stable, and who can think for themselves. Someone who enjoys living, learning & hasn’t forgotten how to play.

While I like having things in common, I’m looking for a corresponding “puzzle piece”, not a “mirror”. Differences help us grow!

I have a soft spot for braniacs & people with a great sense of humor & adventure. And because I have a strong appreciation in health & fitness, my ideal partner is probably someone who is, too, or can at least keep up with me.

Who else might be a good match?

Someone who isn’t offended that I don’t really keep up with sports related info, that I greatly prefer real conversations to small talk, and that I don’t care much for when people plan their lives around TV shows or phone calls at the expense of doing something real with a friend or companion.

And finally, I’d love to find a playful partner who is open to trying various fun activities. You don’t actually have to be any good at the activities, just good company & a good sport!